Was i wrong for incorrectly assuming that 25 years of friendship meant I was actually considered a friend?
TL;DR: I was not invited to a friend's daughter wedding after 25 years of friendship with the mom.
For context: I’m European, my husband is also not American, and we’ve lived in the US for almost 30 years. I became friends with three other moms when our younger kids were in daycare together. The other women all live on the same street, have known each other forever, and are white, upper middle class.
Over the years we did a lot together: birthday parties, girls’ dinners, weekends getaways, endless emotional processing over wine, listening to complaints about husbands, teenagers, aging parents, colonoscopies, you name it.
Anyway, now one of their daughters is getting married.
Not the daughter who grew up with my daughter. The OLDER daughter. Which somehow makes this even more fascinating sociologically, because this has absolutely nothing to do with kids’ friendships drifting apart. This is purely an adult decision made by people I’ve known for a quarter of a century.
Everyone else from the sacred white upper class mom alliance is invited.
Except me.
Which honestly is impressive in a way. Because after 25 years they finally clarified the relationship with remarkable precision.
Like:
“Oh no, you misunderstood. You were not inner circle. You were long-term honorary international outreach program.”
And honestly, the most American part is that everyone still expects me to act perfectly normal about it. Smile, send a gift, say “Oh I totally understand!”, and continue discussing gardening and vacation like I didn’t just discover I’ve spent 25 years socially auditing a friendship.
So am I wrong for feeling stupid that after three decades in America I still occasionally confuse friendliness with belonging?