Am I the asshole
Hello, this is my first time posting about this so please bear with me. I am a 24 year old female. I graduated last year and have been at home since, I have siblings but they are abroad or live in a different city so I have been alone with my parents. It’s important to note that my parents are extremely religious and have been enforcing religion and patriarchal norms on us since we were kids. Such as forcing me to cook at 14 because “I will need to cook for a husband one day” and such. Despite the way I was raised, I am not as religious as my parents. For example I don’t wear the hijab and never wanted to, wearing it was a mistake that I made at 11 years old that I didn’t realize would force me into a lifetime of it. I pretend to at home but always take it off when I am out or away. I lived abroad for a summer 2 years ago and I wasn’t wearing it then. I was living with my aunt who is a lot more liberal and I went to visit my other aunt who is also (my parents are the worst of all of their siblings) and one of my cousins took a picture and posted it without my knowledge. Despite being dressed so modestly, I wasn’t wearing the hijab and my mom found out and gave me hell about it. She couldn’t do anything about it since I was away and I told her it improves my relationship with my religion, of course she didn’t try to understand but left it at that and thought I was back to wearing it when I came back home. In my 13 years of wearing the hijab I have never been hijabi.
Growing up I had to fight my parents for so many things that came so easily for others such as wearing jeans in middle school, going out with friends in high school and what not. The only hobbies I had were playing the keyboard which my dad made me throw away when I was a kid and karate which he made me quit at 12 because I was “too old” to be in a mixed class.
My mom did not use to be as bad as my dad. She only wore the hijab when she got married at 30 which is a huge trigger for me as her parents never enforced anything on her but she did on me. For that I find her a hypocrite. Unfortunately during covid something traumatic happened to her which caused her to be extra religious as a coping mechanism. I was also the only one at home then so I did my best to help her through her depression. I myself have struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts for the past 4 years and I have tried to tell her that and how much I need therapy but she would just tell me I am not religious enough and need to pray more because what in my life is there for me to be depressed about.
That was all some information to give you some background. Since I have been back home I have been battling both the terrible job market and my depression. In effort to improve my mental health I have been going to the gym and meeting up with friends as much as possible. I have also taken on the hobby of baking which I really enjoy, most likely because it was not enforced on me like cooking was. I bake for my friends at every chance I get and I try to spend as much time outside as I can because when I am at home I am alone in my room.
Because of that, I have been getting nonsensical lectures from my dad about how “ I need to calm down and stay at home and pray and make duaa to get employed and focus on my life”. My dad loves the sound of his own voice and lecturing so its nothing I am not used to but this lecture he repeated three times. Most recently was when I told them I am starting martial arts, something I always wanted to do since I was forced out as a kid. Instead of encouraging me I was surprised to be told that. Mind you I am the one paying and driving myself. I was simply informing them. I still went and registered anyways because I am fighting for my life to improve my mental health and I am not going to allow them to dictate my actions.
Now to the reason I am posting:
Today I found out that my mom threw away something of mine while I was away and of course she did not apologize when confronted and instead threw money at my face to get another. To this I gave her the silent treatment. So she came to lecture me about it and part of this lecture was how I don’t help around much and I never cook to lessen her load and whenever she asks anything of me I either don’t do it or it takes me ages to. On the other hand, I spend hours baking for my friends and I recently cooked for my friend’s family because their mom was out of surgery. Now all of what she said is true, I genuinely hate cooking for my family and I find it demeaning. I do the bare minimum at home except some designated chores. I think that it’s because I hold contempt in my heart because my mom was never the person I wanted her to be. For so many years I tried to be close to her, to go out with her but her over religiousness always got in the way. I cannot hum a song without getting a lecture, I cannot play a cards game with them or watch a movie or mention and album or an artist they loved. Nor can I wear what I want or talk about my life comfortably or have public social media. I have always accepted my dad’s religiousness because he has been like that since I was born (not in the eighties though, he lived his life) but my mom’s felt like a betrayal. I genuinely have no relationship with my parents despite living in the same house as them.
I think I find it so much easier to make things for my friends because their love for me is unconditional. These people have been here for me through thick and thin. Meanwhile, my parents finding on thing about me could lead to physical abuse or emotional at the very least. I believe that their love is the most conditional ever. I still remember when my dad hit my sister because of one thing he found out.
So am I the asshole for doing the bare minimum at home but going all out for my friends?