I’m a student close to finishing a professional degree ( respected, about 1–2 years out) and working part-time in a family-run practice. I’m still pretty dependent on my family financially and structurally, and my life doesn’t fully feel like my own yet. That’s been weighing on me a lot.
About 1.5 years ago, I got into a relationship with someone I met through work. We became very close quickly. She doesn’t have a strong family support system, so she tends to bond deeply with her partner. For the first year, I was basically her main source of emotional support, and I got used to that dynamic.
The relationship is private because of work/family overlap, and there’s also a noticeable age gap (keeping that vague for anonymity). Because of that, I can’t fully integrate her into my life or show up in a normal, open way, which adds pressure.
Let me make it clear that the age gap complicates things. Due to living in a very traditional migrant household, the relationship is a secret. I depend on my father for my income from the workplace. I have limited friends, routines etc due to my lack of autonomy particularly in evenings. Maybe I’m being dramatic, as I used to be able to go out until 10pm about 2-3 times per week after uni, but currently it’s stuffed down.
What’s happening for last year-
My routine is unstable
My motivation comes and goes
I’ve had ongoing stress at home (arguments, feeling controlled, etc.)
Mentally I’ve been pretty low at times
At the same time, she’s started branching out socially. She’s making new friends, going out more, and genuinely enjoying herself. I restricted my social life so that what little time I’m allowed to spend away from home I’m spending with her, and the remaining time I feel guilty because she feels upset and alone. I do not have full autonomy over my time (traditional household). I don’t have good friends, i was bullied as a child. I’m not good at building friends or connecting with others, I’m a serious and introverted person by nature and when someone pushes me or disrespects me I tend to avoid them or cut them off easily if possible for me (no bullshit personality)
and I’m keeping the covers about this and the fights at home I’ve had about the late nights and my lack of care for my family from her.
Logically, I know that’s healthy that she’s starting to build a life while I’m not with her.
But emotionally, it’s been hard.
For a long time, I was her “everything,” and now I’m not.
My reactions (where I know I’m messing up):
I get jealous, especially around male friends
I become reactive or controlling when I feel insecure
When I try not to be controlling, I swing the other way and shut down
My mood becomes tied to what she’s doing and who she’s with
There was a recent situation where she said she would be spending time one-on-one with a guy in reaction to me being slightly controlling and being resentful she started going out with her friends (including a guy friend)That triggered me badly and I reacted poorly. We talked it through, but I can already see the same pattern forming again.
The deeper issue:
I think the core problem is that my life isn’t stable right now.
I don’t feel like I’m building something of my own yet
I’m still dependent on my family
I don’t fully trust myself to stay consistent
My emotional regulation isn’t great
So the relationship has become my “centre,” and now that she’s expanding her circle.