I'm lost
It all starts with a simple question:
Identify your "why". Your why is the deep reason that drives you to do what you do. What is your why when it comes to your studies? This is not simply about evoking intrinsic and extrinsic motivations, but about developing the reason why I get up in the morning, what gives meaning to my studies.
Reading the question, the tears came, I couldn't help it.
I found it interesting to include this question in my journal, because for several years now, an enormous number of questions have been going through my head. I stopped my vocational degree in applied geology last year, even though in my final year of high school I was convinced it was my path. I then did a community service placement with elderly people; I was quite happy to get up and go work with seniors, on top of a wonderful team atmosphere. (+ not a huge number of hours either)
I was then asking myself: should I go to work or continue studying? I think deep down I wanted to go to work, I didn't feel like I had my place in academia, but I think it would have disappointed my parents... (maybe I'm telling myself that to shed responsibility for this decision ??). I then thought that the best thing to do was to take a path I already knew, my mother's path, who is a primary school teacher. Since I was little, I've been immersed in that world, and it's always suited me well enough. So I committed to this course of study. I can't say it doesn't interest me, at least.
But I'll admit that in the morning, finding a "why" is a bit difficult. I'm quite alone in the city where I study, I see some friends in class, and I see other friends maybe once a week if they're available (or if I feel like seeing them myself). Besides, these are friends from my vocational course, which means they're going to leave soon... the next 4 years are going to be long without them... I think I've gotten used to this loneliness, it's "easy" to wallow in yourself and change nothing, easier than trying to make things move, in any case. I'm quite lazy in that regard, I procrastinate a lot, lack motivation, lack drive...
What gives the most meaning to my studies, I sincerely think, is making my family proud, and having a stable situation later. So, will I see my studies through to the end? I don't know, I avoid asking myself that kind of question, out of fear of giving everything up not knowing what to do, because today, with only a high school diploma, you can't find much. I don't have much motivation and I'm going to hold on to what little I have for these studies, and see if it holds.
The sentence I say to myself most often is "I don't know". I don't really know what I want, what I feel, like a spoiled boy who has never had to ask himself a real question about what he wanted because he has always had everything. Which raises a question about the legitimacy of wondering about all this. I had more than a privileged childhood, I have a family that loves me and I grew up surrounded by all my family (on my mother's side at least), but then, where did it all go wrong? I couldn't say, maybe one or two addictions along the way, which can destroy the brain? But once again, that's blaming something external... Maybe I'm the problem. I think I am the problem.
I don't know what's wrong with me but I'm afraid to talk, I don't know who to talk to. At the risk of repeating myself, I think this situation is somehow pleasant. Maybe pleasant isn't the right word, but it's simpler. I've already said it, I'm repeating myself... But making things change, I don't know if I want to, actually I think I don't know how to. And yet, I think I am a thousand miles from having real problems, some people are on the streets, others have no family... I have everything I need... I don't understand.
This week, I learned that a friend had lost his father. It was a shock to me. I sent him a message to tell him I was thinking of him. All my problems then seemed more futile to me, here I am complaining about my situation while people are going through horrible things. Maybe I'm selfish, or egocentric. Indeed, he just went through something horrible, and here I am talking about myself. The two words are quite similar actually. I think I need to have problems to feel alive ?? No, that's a stupid thought, I don't think that's the right track.
When I say I'm selfish, it's because I have the impression that it's always all about me, all the time, I wonder what people think of me, what I did wrong for someone to react like that, but maybe I should put myself in other people's shoes: what has that person been through in their day to be in a bad mood? Then again, isn't it normal for a person to think more about themselves than others? No, I don't think so, other people claim to be altruistic. I don't know if I'm using the right words. I've never written or said everything I felt, I write what comes into my head, it's strange.
I often think about Emma. She was my girlfriend in year 11. Well... it only lasted four months, but I think they were the most beautiful months of my life. I was the one who broke up with her, she deserved better than what I put her through. Three years later, I regret that evening when, for the last time, I spoke to her. With a bit of hindsight, my best year was 2023, there were my grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary, and two of my aunts got married, and on top of that, my little cousin was born. I also had a girlfriend at the start of the year. It was actually my first real relationship. I wonder what she's doing today, often I search for her on social media, never seeing so much as a photo. The only social network where I can still have contact with her is Snapchat, but I would never dare add her. This week, I looked at photos from my grandparents' golden anniversary, and I saw my grandad again, it had been a long time since I had cried. Besides, I was in a photo with Emma, and I cried even more... I still don't know why I broke up with her, but it's in the past now.
These last three years have gone by very quickly. Actually, especially 2024 and 2025. 2024, what should have been one of my most beautiful years became a real nightmare. I lost both my grandfathers, perhaps one of the worst pains, especially since it was the first death in the immediate family. Since April 16th, everything has gone very fast, I feel like it was yesterday. My grandfather I was closest to, Robert, wasn't there to celebrate my high school diploma, nor for my 18th birthday, and he won't be there for my driving test that I've been shamelessly procrastinating on since... I think I have a certain jealousy towards my brother, because for every event mentioned above, Grandad was there, and proud. At the hospital, I went to see his body one last time, to give him a kiss, as if he were on his sofa watching a football match. I went to the cemetery only once, I'm afraid to go, I prefer to keep as my memory of him a body full of life, full of not-very-funny jokes, that we all loved. 2025 was mostly made up of bad thoughts, mixed with my community service, which was the bright light of those really not-great years... And it went by fast! What did I do that year? A community service placement, right. What else? Well, not much, really.
Everyone says to find a refuge to feel better, something you're passionate about, but to be honest, even my biggest passion, video games, bores me... It makes me too sad, so instead I lobotomize my brain all day long watching YouTube videos or scrolling on TikTok.