Hi!
So ive been looking into dissociative disorders off and on for the past year or so. I’m diagnosed with PTSD/ADHD and suspected to have autism. My trauma is complex and began in early childhood, and my first memory (~3-4) was actually originally repressed due to its traumatic nature. I always had the sense something had happened to me, though i didnt find out what it was until I was about ten, and it came flooding back.
Anyway, I remember the majority of my worst life experiences. I have a couple that play on loop as PTSD fodder. That said, everything else gets forgotten until I suddenly remember, and then forgotten again.
(TW: suicide/emotional abuse) For example, ive been dodging my step mom’s calls for the past few months. Every time she texts I’m filled with absolute dread, but I can’t let myself think about it so I’ll go do something else. Apparently, my repression game is so good that I also managed to forget why I’m not talking to her, which is because she staged a suicide attempt & left a “note” where I’d find it talking about how nobody loves her. It also mentioned some stuff which I’m pretty sure implied she was either 1) thinking about killing me or 2) trying to scare me by implying such. So, we haven’t spoken in a while. And I fucking forgot about this until I took a peep in my docs & saw something mentioning it. And I was surprised??? Like I already knew about it, it still felt surprising to learn about again. These things happen regularly. REGULARLY. I feel like I’m going insane.
END TW
I often have people come up to me and introduce themselves as friends, even though I have no memory of ever meeting them. My friends/family will sometimes relay things ive told them/that we’ve done together that I have no recollection of. Ive even had literal strangers (as in people I had no memory of EVER meeting) repeat sensitive information to me surrounding one of my largest traumas, which I didn’t think I’d ever told ANYONE about. I don’t really get “amnesia” in the sense that I like… wake up on buses i dont remember boarding, though, so I don’t know if any of that counts. What do you guys think? Does anyone else mostly present in those ways??
My other question was about alters themselves. I know OSDD tends to present differently than DID, but from what I understand, alters are still a component. I have a lot of mental chatter, but it’s not usually comprehensible unless I’m either very stressed or high. When I’m stressed, sometimes it feels like someone’s “talking me down.” When I’m high (weed), it’s like the floodgates open, and suddenly different parts of me are having full conversations with each other. This has made me rather uninclined towards smoking, because it’s always very intense and it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.
Other than that, I don’t think any of the parts are like… 100% fully formed?? I don’t think they have names but I can’t tell. I know I don’t really identify with the body’s name but I don’t not identify with it. It’s just the thing everyone else calls me by. No clue if that makes sense lol
Does anyone have thoughts? A few months back, I brushed on the topic with my therapist & she gave me what I think was a dissociative disorder assessment, but she didn’t diagnose me. I can’t remember if she said I might have something or if she thought it was just PTSD. She doesn’t really like diagnosing people though, and I’m nervous to bring it up again because it feels like a whole can of worms I’m not ready for anyone to know about irl. Previous therapist gave me a dissociation assessment and said I scored remarkably high, but she also only diagnosed PTSD.
I prodded at the topic with my best friend of a decade once, and she said my personality is too strong to have a dissociative disorder. Which I guess I don’t disagree with because I have a lot of opinions & a reputation for being loud/direct, but whether or not those things are “me” feels complicated. So, I thought I’d go here. Pls let me know if any of u relate to any of this.