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(Sorry if this is long or all over the place—I’m just writing this in the moment and needed to get it out. English isn’t my first language, so I got a bit of help from ChatGPT while writing this.)
(I’m a 23-year-old guy)
It’s been a little over 2 years since the breakup. We met at a prep course and were together for about 3 years. We were the same age (18) when it started. She was my first love—the first person I truly opened my heart to. It felt like she was my soulmate. She was also my first sexual experience. Basically, she was my first for everything, and I wanted her to be my last too.
What we had felt deeper than just “being in a relationship.” It honestly felt like we had lived through things that even couples married for decades might not experience. I never really wanted to get married in my life, but she was the only person who made me change my mind—and I was that person for her too.
I won’t go too deep into every detail, but we had a very intense and deep relationship. Towards the end, things started to get a bit negative, and then she broke up with me over a message. Of course I asked why, tried to understand (without begging or anything). Eventually, after I pushed a bit, she told me she had been thinking about leaving me for months.
We said something like “goodbye and good luck in life” to each other, but it didn’t feel genuine. She just wanted me to stop texting, and I said it because I had nothing else left to do. Then she blocked me everywhere. She even started telling our mutual friends about all my “bad” traits—some exaggerated, some completely made up. Not long after, she blocked them too, leaving me with no way to reach her or get any closure.
At first, it didn’t hit me. But about a week later, it all crashed down. I found myself crying every day. I had this constant pain in my chest, like I was having a heart attack. She was in my dreams and nightmares every night. I could barely eat—maybe once every two days. I lost about 8 kg. That phase lasted around 5 months.
During that time, I came across the idea of “no contact” and followed it as best as I could. I deleted everything—photos, videos, anything related to her. I gained the weight back, started going to the gym, traveled to different cities, got my first job, got into university, met new people. I even had a situationship at one point, but it was a complete disaster. I had psychological erectile issues for the first time in my life. It didn’t last long.
I tried getting into new relationships, but I failed every time. All of this happened over the past 2+ years.
Now I’ve started to develop trust issues with new people. I feel like most people are superficial and not really honest (and honestly, a lot of the time it feels true). I’ve also started noticing patterns in women’s behavior that just make me feel sick. I have no energy left, and I catch myself self-sabotaging without even meaning to.
To sum it up: most of my post-breakup experiences have been negative, and I still feel the effects. We haven’t spoken once since the breakup. I haven’t seen her, and I never tried to contact her again.
Even though I don’t feel as bad as I used to every single day, I still feel bad most of the time.
I’m 23 now, and I hate that she still has this much impact on my life.
I don’t miss her. I don’t even miss who I was back then with her. I just miss us.
Why can’t I move on? What’s wrong with me?