u/Jazzlike-Place-9492

Was just messing around with the Mora Jai box for the second time after accidentally turning it all the way off almost immediately the first time I found it. I was planning to go slowly and try to figure out the rules and patterns, but within maybe 1 minute of just clicking to figure out how the mechanisms work I accidentally solved it. I was surprised when I realized and I had to look back at the paper to make sure I wasn't missing something. Got an allowance coin as a prize!

I know it's a small thing, just feels great after so many days of bad luck. I know next time, when I've actually figured out the rules and am trying to solve it, it'll probably take me 10 times as long.

Recently I've been hyper obsessing about morals. If I've done something wrong, if someone I care about has done something wrong and what course of action I need to take, what my choice would say about me, etc. I am constantly second guessing myself and other people. I feel paranoid all of the time. I start to ruminate and panic about things that aren't as big of an issue as my brain makes them and I feel like I can't trust my own moral compass because the OCD thoughts cause everything to just be chaos.

Intrusive thoughts will tell me I'm doing something wrong when I'm not, then they'll turn around and tell me that something that is\* actually wrong "isn't actually that bad". It's a constant cycle of "you're not reacting enough" "you're not disgusted enough" "you don't feel guilty enough" with things that I don't need to feel horrible about. Then with things that are\* wrong, the intrusive thoughts say "you're overreacting" "you're overthinking it" "you're just being judgemental" "this is why people hate you" "this is why people think you're so rude". Then! Because of those intrusive thoughts telling me I'm overreacting when I KNOW I'm not!! They start to tell me I'm "trying to justify being a horrible person"!!! It never ends.

On top of the OCD making me feel like my moral compass is unreliable, I'm autistic and don't pick up on social cues the same way many others do. I don't realize when things are rude to say sometimes, and the general way I carry myself can sometimes be "weird" and come off like I'm only in my own world, not thinking or caring about others. For my whole life people have gotten upset or angry with me for things I sincerely had no idea were "mean". Then when I ask why they're upset, what about what I did was wrong (I understand this question can come off as argumentative/defensive and I make sure to acknowledge that so the other person knows I'm asking it genuinely in good faith), they say things like "You should know, stop acting dumb, it's common sense". Not to me, it's not always common sense to me, and that makes me feel like an idiot. When I ask questions like "why was that rude" and I clarify that I'm not trying to start an argument and that I just do not understand and want to know, and I'm met with even more anger, it makes me feel an idiot.

Because I know I don't read social cues the way others do, my OCD latches onto that too and makes me doubt every interaction. "what if that was weird" "what if that was mean and you didnt realize" "what if you hurt their feelings and didnt pick up on the change in their mood", etc.

I'm terrified of hurting people, making them uncomfortable, not stepping in when I can to help and something bad happening, etc. Not being able to read others in the way I want to just makes these fears worse. I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, hyper analyzing what I say and do to make sure I'm not doing something wrong. And it doesn't always work, of course. Most of the time it doesn't work. I'll end up freaking out about something and feeling like I "need" to make a certain choice, which often ends up being the wrong choice since I made it out of fear and panic instead of the facts of the situation. Which then, makes me feel like an idiot, because the fear that led me to the decision I made felt so so genuine and so so real, but 99% of the time it wasn't actually based on any facts. It was just something my mind made up.

I seek reassurance from friends and family about my obsessions, and when they give me the reassurance I doubt that too. Then I ask again. And again. And again, but in a different way this time. A couple days later I'll bring it up again because I'm panicking again.

I feel like I can never come to solid conclusions about anything, even if I know logically that I feel a certain way, because of the OCD making me doubt. Every thought I have is wrapped in doubt. Every decision I make is preceeded and followed by doubt. My whole life is just me doubting myself and never feeling sure about anything.