I thought about it maybe thirty times today. Opened the tab. Closed the tab. Told myself I'd start after lunch. Then after this one thing. Then after I felt less like my brain was full of wet concrete.
By 6pm the task wasn't done. But I also hadn't rested. Hadn't done anything else. Just burned through the entire day in this low-grade dread that felt like working but wasn't.
And the exhaustion is real. That's the part I can't explain to people. I didn't do the task but I spent eight hours in a stress response about the task, which apparently costs the same energy as doing it. Maybe more.
I got diagnosed late and nobody told me this was part of it. That you could end a day completely drained by something that never even happened. That you'd pay full price for something you never received.
Anyway. Does anyone else lose whole days like this or is it just me finally losing my mind.