TW: threatened miscarriage, lots of blood
I'm a surrogate carrying for a couple I genuinely care about and adore. They live a couple hours away from me but have been to almost every appointment and talk to me almost daily and have just been so sweet. They've even come to events that I've hosted! We've really meshed our families.
This is heavy so if you have miscarriage trauma please protect yourself and don't read any further.
I'll be 12w tomorrow and I woke up this morning in a puddle of blood. I ran to the bathroom where I tried to stop the very heavy flow and was already freaking out and crying. Then the largest blood clot I've ever seen just fell out of me onto the floor. It was over 5in across and I just stared at it for so long, absolutely convinced that was the baby. I didn't have any pain though, which if I was in a reasonable mental state would have clued me in that this probably wasn't a miscarriage. Panic was my life at that point though.
I called a friend who came over to watch my toddler and my partner took me to the emergency room. Waiting room, Triage, waiting room, small room, blood draw, piss test, waiting room, ultrasound (where the tech told me before she started that I wasn't allowed to see the screen and she couldn't tell me anything and my partner wasn't allowed in the room with me), waiting room, then finally taken back to a hallway. This entire process took 5.5 hours and I was panicking the entire time. My partner said after I came back from the ultrasound I was catatonic and unresponsive. The doctor, in the hallway still mind you, walked up and said "hey so baby measures 12w1d and is healthy but you should get a follow up appointment in the next 5-7 days to make sure everything is OK. Have a good rest of the day." walks away. Five and a half hours of me in the worst mental state I've ever had, terrified that baby boy was on my bathroom floor at home for the doc to be like "you good fam bye". I burst into tears all over again though from relief. I asked the nurse who came up after to take my Iv out and such what had come out of me, and she said without them testing it she wouldn't know but assumed it was just an abnormal blood clot.
It's been several hours now, I've eaten and taken a nap. My head still hurts and I feel permanently dehydrated. I had texted the mom of the baby this morning and she asked me to keep her updated and to let her know if I needed anything or if they should come down to see me. After I got home I called her and the first thing I said was "*baby's name* is OK" and the first thing *she* said was "I'm really glad he's OK but how are YOU?" and I burst into tears all over again because like I had been panicking I had lost him but she has one ovary and they were only able to get this one embryo and she doesn't know if she would be able to get another egg so this baby in her mind is her last shot. And I was so scared that I had ruined her last shot. And yet when I told her, she was worried about ME. I'm sure she was worried about her son too but she didn't express that at all she was asking if I was in any pain, if I had eaten, if I needed anything, if my partner was OK.
I've never experienced a miscarriage, but today was horrifying and with how long it took the emergency room to tell me he was even still in there made it so much worse. I've worked in the medical field and I understand that different emergencies have different priorities but holy shit that felt like the worst emergency for me. I didn't bother telling any of the staff that this is a surro baby so to them I was freaking out over potentially losing my own child and it just felt like I wasn't allowed to know anything.
Today SUCKED. absolutely sucked. I am so relieved that baby boy is OK, and that I'm OK, and I understand that not everyone can say that. I hope I never have to go through that again. But I know I am loved, my partner was with me the entire time, my IPs were checking on me, my friend dropped everything to come watch my daughter with no questions, my mom called me a few hours ago. I have an ob appointment tomorrow to double check everything.
Not a lot of people know I'm pregnant, we were waiting until after 12w to announce, so I feel like I don't have people to talk to about how much today sucked. I really really hope that anyone with trauma didn't read my post because it is not my intention at all to bring up horrible memories to people. I will get better, especially after tomorrow and I can see him on the ultrasound and KNOW he's still in there. But right now I'm just so emotionally fragile.