I'm 17, graduating 2027. I'm so tired of all these things. I can't put a name on the feeling I have, the feeling is simply "done." From the first week of school to now, I have felt off and on suicidal thoughts, but this time, I don’t feel like they might be irrational. Living is too expensive. I cannot afford to live as an adult. I'm not there yet, but I know.
People always irritate me. I cannot change their behavior, I know, I can only change my reaction. I don't react in the moment at all, I just add it to my list of reasons.
What is it that I'm tired of?
I'm tired of my lack of emotion. I'm tired of being disappointed. I'm tired of being below average in every field. I'm tired of being an eyesore and caught experiencing life. I'm tired of feeling like I don't have the right to be present or enjoy myself.
I will eventually be poor and will have not been able to travel the world. I cannot communicate with people as well as others can, so I will not make any friends and will be alone at a workplace. I will be disappointing myself by moving forward from this day.
I think I might find a way to end my life this summer or maybe after next school year starts.
I'm never happy. I'm nothing special and I'm too ugly to ask for the pity of others. I have very little emotions and I don't feel any love for anything in my heart. I'm tired and can't lean on anyone.
I don't know how to do anything. I'm not good enough at school. I've got a 3.61 GPA but I'm just generally stupid and it's all catching up to me. If something falls through and it turns out I'll have to spend too much on car insurance (I haven't even gotten my permit) or college / I don't get any scholarships, I think I'll just commit suicide before I have to make any large payments.
I wish I cared. I wish I could come home and hug someone for hours and just go to sleep. But I can't. I have to come home and eat or go to work. No one at my job likes me. I'm more different than anyone else and was only hired because my mom is a manager at a different store. Everyone is all popular kids and I don't know how to talk to people so I just stand alone by myself and clean or think about how I want to die while selling ice cream.
My two managers are the only people who ever talked to me, plus a coworker that already quit, but they're all quitting (one in May, one in june)
I'll have no one. No one will want to talk to me or remember what we talked about on my previous shift.
None of my teachers think I'm special, and most of them don't even talk to me. I only have one friend here, the rest tire me and make me feel sour. But I've been such a drag, I'm sure she would understand why I did what I did.
My old friend has been moved schools 3-4 years ago and she's so responsible and talented. She's doing so good, I can't bother her. Plus I don't want her to tell my mom what I'm thinking of if I say it.
If my parents find out and make a big fuss about it, I'll do it earlier. I don't like them very much, so their worry will be wasteful and I'd rather not have it.
Every day, I just can't stop thinking about it, but there are no mountains or cliffs where I live. How do I die? I don't know how to without traumatizing everyone. I can't stop thinking about it. All day long even at school I'm hiding these feelings and looking out the window almost falling asleep to the thought of jumping, but I know I'd survive the fall. I really can't stop thinking about it.
I will quit while I'm ahead. This year. I'm graduating next year and the struggles will only continue.
I will commit suicide soon and I will save myself from the anticipation.