I Need Actual Help, Not Articles.
Hello, internet. I don't really post, I usually just lurk, but I've been trying to look into some self help, and the basic stuff isn't helping anymore.
I have a cognitive behavioral therapist. I'm on meds for depression and bipolar II. I suspect I have adhd and am working on diagnosis and medication for that as well.
I am so absolutely fucking sick and tired of having to force myself to do everything all the time. I can't keep a job for more than a year before I have some sort of breakdown that causes me to quit and/or switch to something else. I can't hardly do basic chores around the house like dishes or laundry, hell, even just picking up trash or dishes off the living room table is hard. I shower, at best, half as much as I used to, and I'm lucky if I brush my teeth once a week right now. I hardly have any passion or fulfillment from my hobbies, and my biggest motivation to do anything important is guilt.
I probably need a new therapist, but I'll lay it out like this. I feel like there's nothing else I can do other than continue to force myself to do everything, and feeling like shit no matter what. If I do something I usually like, I feel guilty. If I actually end up accomplishing anything I need to, I don't feel pride, I feel relief, like, "thank God that thing is off my plate for now". Every time I talk to my therapist, his response is something along the lines of, "be kinder to yourself", "you expect too much for yourself", or "what healthy distractions can you use to alleviate the stress you have"? While, to a degree, I think it's valid advice, I think it's absolutely bullshit that all I can do is either, continue to force myself to do everything and feel like shit anyway, or distract myself from my problems. I truly feel like I am just not built for this world. I simply cannot do what needs to be done in a productive, independent life, and I can't seem to get any actual helpful advice from anyone on how to do it. I try to be kinder to myself, but everything just feels like a lie. Like I'm enabling laziness and being narcissistic.
I just feel like a pathetic, selfish, lazy burden to everyone around me, and the only reason I have anyone in my life still, is because they're all too nice to tell me the truth, or maybe they're all scared I'd do something stupid.
I'm currently unemployed due to another breakdown at the beginning of this year. I'd only planned to take two months off, and had the bill money saved up, but getting back to work is taking longer than we thought on the employer's end, so my boyfriend has been supporting the both of us. We haven't been struggling, but I still can't help but feel incredibly burdensome to him, no matter how many times he says otherwise.
I guess I'm just tired of seeing the same bullshit spewed from self help sites. I'm tired of finding 5yo reddit posts with no resolution. Not to mention the folks who either dismiss your issues entirely, or just say, "buckle up, it gets worse". I'm running out of ideas. In running out of hope for myself. Maybe someone resonates and actually can send some tangible advice.
And before anyone throws out the typical "break it down into smaller steps" bullshit, I have a nearly impossible time still with that first step, taking the covers off.
Sorry in advance if any of this comes off as aggressive, I'm just really upset there seems to be no other options.
TLDR; I can't do anything without forcing myself, I'm tired of the same advice over and over.