TW/NSFW for mention of pregnancy and penetrative sex, nobody is *actually* pregnant.
For context, I am AFAB/NB and my partner is MtF. Recently we have been playing around with the idea of penetrative sex (her topping) and have even fooled around that way a handful of times (but not going “all the way”- just genitals touching and very shallow penetration). This is the first time they have ever tried this with a partner. We have always been on the same page regarding pregnancy: termination all the way. Neither one of us is prepared to have a child at this time, and my gf in particular has said may times that they would “kill themselves” and “end the relationship” if they ever got somebody pregnant and that person wanted to keep it.
This month, however: Parenthood has weighed heavily on my mind after a recent talk with my estranged parents, working with kids at my job, processing a divorce in which I was a stepparent for several years, and coming to terms with aging. I’ve been processing some complex feelings alone, partially because I was afraid to bring it up, and partially because I just didn’t have the chance to share this with my gf until now.
My gf came to me with feelings of fear about accidental pregnancy yesterday. It started out lighthearted. I wish I could rewind time and just focus on reassurance and compassion, but instead I took it a step further and decided to share my inner struggles, which honestly made it all about me. Then I became tearful when they stated multiple times that they would rather kill themselves than parent a biological child, and that if a partner had their child they would not be involved in the child’s life whatsoever.
All of which is fine. That’s a boundary I can respect. Even though I’m in no place to have a child, I’ll admit that I took it personally, like a harsh rejection of some alternate future that I hadn’t considered before. It wasn’t anything I hadn’t already heard, but it clearly triggered something in me.
Understandably, they decided that all sex acts that could possibly result in pregnancy would be off the table for now. Fair and valid. To be clear, I have no intention of carrying a child now or in the near future. We have discussed adopting later in life.
They told me I seemed moody and that I can’t change my mind on things like that on a whim. Telling me that they felt tricked by me, and that I’m not a safe person anymore, that they regretted ever having sex with me or anyone else (but I get the feeling they meant mainly me). The entire interaction clearly triggered MASSIVE dysphoria within them to the point that we didn’t talk for the rest of the night unless I was comforting them while they sobbed and sobbed in bed, telling me how they wished they could just “cut it all off” and how they have a “poison” within them.
I get it. But I don’t know what to do or say at this point that helps the situation. I don’t know if this is all my fault. I don’t know if this would’ve happened later, even if I hadn’t brought it up yesterday.
I feel like the scum of the earth at the moment, like I somehow coerced or manipulated my way into sexually experimenting with them, or that I’m not a safe person for anyone, ever.
As someone who falls under the trans umbrella and is on HRT myself, I also now feel shame for not wanting another trans partner in the future (out of fear of causing emotional/mental harm). Dysphoria has already caused tension in our relationship in other ways, such as spiraling mentally when I wear makeup to go out or dress more femme that day.
Sincerely,
Lost and Sad.