I know this gets posted here several times a day, but it’s my turn and I need to vent.
My boyfriend has a much lower sex drive than me. He never initiates and never so much as talks about it or offers to try anything new. He is entirely indifferent about it anytime I ask for preferences, or if he wants to try anything, he just shrugs his shoulders.
I use a lot of foreplay and I enjoy it a lot, as does he. Once we get going, he gets very aroused, but is, unfortunately, very passive. He makes almost no noise, doesn’t smile, doesn’t talk, doesn’t move much, and doesn’t take any initiative.
I’ve tried lots of things. He loves when I go down on him, and I enjoy doing it. It never works. I’ve looked into everything I can and feel like I understand what he likes.
I’ve brought up with him that I feel sex is “one sided” because he doesn’t finish, but he insists he’s not bothered. (I want him to be bothered.) His lack of effort and utter indifference is off putting. I’ve also brought up that I feel like he doesn’t enjoy sex, and he insists that’s not the case but it feels like a white lie.
I even once tried sending him a suggestive picture, and he replied something like “haha nice.” Maybe he just wasn’t in the mood, but it felt dismissive and kind of hurt.
After sex, he tends to shut down too. He used to struggle with an eating disorder, so he can get very self conscious about his body. I genuinely think he looks amazing, but I know body dysmorphia isn’t something you can just switch off. We’ve been together for well over a year now, and it’s hard to accept that he still seems so uncomfortable with me sexually.
I don’t think he understands the toll it takes the effort of constantly initiating, taking control of everything, and being intimate with someone who doesn’t seem into it. Last night we were in bed and I wasn’t really feeling it for the reasons above, but I could tell he felt some kind of obligation and would feel rejected if we didn’t. I had brought up the issue of him not wanting sex a few weeks ago, so I know it’s been on his mind. But afterward, I just felt guilty, like I’d taken advantage of him.
I know sexual incompatibility is a huge issue, but he’s such a kind, sweet person. This just really sucks.
It’s also worth mentioning that he has a medical condition that can affect libido. But again, he hasn’t made any effort to see a professional or look into ways to manage it. He hasn’t even brought it up as a possible reason it’s just my assumption.
I make every effort to make him feel comfortable and to help him enjoy sex. Is my frustration with his lack of willingness to improve the situation valid? How do I bring this up again without hurting his feelings?