I(19F ) am a Muslim and I am frustrated at myself for not healing, and still being stuck in a survival state. For context, I have dealt with sucidial thoughts from childhood that resurfaced last year and was at its peak, and almost made me attempt many times. I also have dealt with Self harm temptations even while being 6 months free, yet I feel the need to go back to it. My home life also increases these temptations and it wasn’t until last year where I started opening to people about did it reduce.
However it’s been 1-2 years and I am still stuck in a state that struggles to live. I have trouble doing daily tasks such as brushing my teeth or cleaning my room. I also have taken harder classes in high school, where I can’t retain informations unlike my peers. And even while being able to make it graduation amongst them, I am still mad at myself for not having the same focus or mindset as them.
Also in that time period, I have saved countless videos on healing, documentaries, articles, and yet I don’t watch it or apply it to me. I also am Muslim so I can just pray to God and my problems will be gone, but I have struggling praying also. I have many resources regarding Islam to help me connect with it and be a better Muslim but I just don’t take the next step.
Instead, I skip prayers, not think postive sometimes, or do nothing that improves me as a person. It’s beyond frustrating to behind on life, one for which I can’t do the bare minimum. I feel honestly pathetic cause I really did try, and even opened more about my problems as well as try hard in school, and even my friends commented how I am doing better than last year.
And Yet, I am still the same person from 1-2 years ago, srill dealing with sucidal thoughts amd SH temptations, as well as having trouble like im some newborn. I feel beyond useless at this point and it increases my sucidial thoughts even more.