Some thoughts I wanted to share with mother's day approaching, it is very, very long, i apologise in advance.
Many years ago, when i must have been 8 ( it was the late 80s) i was staying with my grandma, and one day we went to the beach. It was early morning so mostly empty except for one other woman and her little boy.
My grandma said to her how lovely her boy looked, asked his age etc. And the woman said " thankyou", and then started to cry softly, my grandma asked if there was anything she could do and the lady explained that it would have been her daughter's first birthday that day, but she died a few minutes after she was born and they were at the beach to remember her.
My grandma put her hand on the woman's arm and said " my darling, i am so sorry." Then she asked if baby had a name, the woman said she did, Amy, and to my utter 8 year old horror, my gran started singing softly, " happy birthday " to the woman's daughter, as she held her hand.
They talked a bit longer and even exchanged addresses and we said our goodbyes. I thought no more of the encounter until 2007 when my gran passed away and a woman approached me at her funeral and asked if i remembered her, then reminded me of that day on the beach and told me my gran had sent her a card every single year on Amy's anniversary right up until she died.
And then i remembered what my gran had said to me on our walk home. I asked why she had done that, sung for a stranger's daughter and she said this to me.
" when your grandpa died, i was called a widow, if your parents were to both die tomorrow, you would be an orphan. But there is no word for what we call a mum or dad who have lost their child. Imagine that. Imagine that the people who make up words and meanings thought about the pain and hurt a parent must feel when their child dies and decided there was no word that fit."
In 2020, i was waiting anxiously for my best friend of 30 years to message me with news of her 2nd daughter's safe arrival , i knew she was in hospital, shed been messaging me the night before in early labour. Instead i got a message informing me baby had been stillborn and to please come.
I instantly remembered my gran's wise words.
Sitting next to my bestfriend, holding my perfect niece and marveling at this beautiful baby my darling girl had birthed, , i made my niece a promise- that i would always be there for her mum, and that she would never have to worry about her baby being forgotten by others. Every time i share a story or fact about Daisy in here, i feel like im making sure the world knows she existed, my friend shouldn’t be expected to do that herself. She carries enough.
A month after Daisy died, my friend messaged me, a very long, open and honest message telling me she couldn't imagine that her daughter was somewhere where she didnt need her, and the feeling of being with her was sometimes overwhelming, but she had to stay, for her older daughter, her husband, her parents and brother, the rest of her family " which includes you" , her friends etc.
I've never forgotten that, six years later i have seen my friend have a 3rd daughter, change jobs twice, support 2 other mums shes close to through their own stillbirths, smile, laugh, enjoy time with friend's and family, we've been bridesmaids together for our other best friend, shes welcomed nieces and nephews and on our weekly walks she will often say to me " you know it really is a beautiful life " ..but even with all that, i know, because i know my friend so well, that if there were a way to easily be with her daughter, she would take it still.
She hasnt recovered from her daughters death, she is surviving. Surviving every day in a new life where the person she was, died with her daughter and she is living with a love that has nowhere to go.
I havent been in her shoes, i haven't looked at my child's face, willing their eyes to open, i havent discovered that you can survive a year of crying every single day, but i can show her empathy and try to imagine . Its the least i can do for someone i love.
I get so sad and angry when i read posts on here from some of you, who say those close to you are telling you its " time to move on" , as if grief, let alone the grief for a child, has an expiration date, how can it ? A parent's love does not expire.
You deserve better from them. I don’t care if they havent been through baby loss themselves. If they have a heart, if they love you, truly love you, they will give you the grace and space you need to mourn, for the rest of your lives. They dont get to decide to show up in your story only during the good chapters. Even if they can't imagine, they can still love you during the hard parts of your story. They dont need the words, they just need to be there. Not with judgement, just with kindness and love.
You deserve better.
Sadly i know im idealistic and naive, but I'll never stop wishing for all of you to have someone that recognises your grief that has no word big enough for it, for a love that has nowhere to go.
I thought my niece was the only stillborn baby i had to care about, ive since had 2 more close friends experience stillbirths and of course, i read about your babies on here, and i realised what a disservice id be doing to my niece if i only acknowledged her. So i hold a space in my heart for every baby i read about in here, and i hold space for you.
Mother's day is coming up where i live, and in the memory of my grandma's empathy and kindness, and the promise i made for my best friend's daughter, my precious niece, I want my gift to all of you to be that you know your babies are important and they matter to me.
i will continue to hope for a world where we on the outside of baby loss finally find the word that says: we see you.. You are not invisible. Your loss does not have an expiration date. Your baby matters still.
There is no word big enough , special enough, sacred enough, to convey the enormity of your loss. A loss so big, so profound that the sky has to reach out its arms to hold it.
But your babies are loved. They are loved. They are loved.
And you are remembered this mother's day.
Thankyou for sharing your babies with us.