For context: I am a working Law student, with super religious parents, and a closeted gay person
Ever since kindergarten, I was the best student and son anyone could ever ask for, I would always be within the Top 5 of my class, graduated with honors, passed every entrance exam, did my chores, followed the rules, basically never got my parents that mad
My parents were never that strict, and even allowed me to be with my friends, and go wherever and whenever I pleased, as long as I would tell them.
Now that I’m a working law student - I’m still the same accomplished student, obedient son, and corporate slave.
But when it comes to relationships, or even my sex life, I find no luck - and I can’t even enjoy being gay out in the open because of my religious parents, and the fear of disappointing them. It’s like me being an overachiever is making up for the fact that I am gay.
Now - my heart just hurts so much, because in law school, while I am doing okay, I keep comparing myself to those ranked higher than me. In work - I feel so overwhelmed and frustrated at my situation in life that I make simple mistakes, and this fiscal year my managers have been so disappointed at me. And now in my relationships - I feel so heartbroken that neither in romance nor in sex, do people want me.
I don’t know what to do. I am doing well, and I am so aware of that, but I can’t help but feel so unaccomplished. I feel ugly, I feel fat, I feel unwanted, I feel dumb, I feel that no matter the effort I put in, I don’t get the benefits I expect.
I’m just throwing out words and can’t even structure this properly, and I don’t even know what I want to get from posting this :(((
I just I wish I felt more happy with myself, because I know that other people would be happy to be where I am. I try to I really do, but can we control our emotions?