I deconverted around 13 years ago and came out as queer, poly, and agnostic around 8 years ago. Since then, I feel almost like I've put myself back in the closet around my family.
My family acknowledges my relationships and doesn't cross the strict boundaries I've set around LGBT issues, but every family visit is them talking about religion, making asides about praying for me and God's guidance, heavy doses of complementarian gender roles, and right wing rants, while I stay mostly silent to keep the peace. I especially feel like I can't be a "bad witness" around my 7-year-old nephew, or risk having my minister brother (who is a very kind person, but very devout) remove any access to him.
I also feel this weight of their disappointment every time I'm around them. I believe my parents are proud of many things about me, but I know the church tells them that faith matters more than any other character trait, and they are supposed to feel like failures because of their apostate and sinful child. Even though these things are never spoken, it's hard for me to not interpret the subtext.
I come back from longer family visits dissociated and take days to reintegrate into my happy, guilt-free, queer life. I'm so free and have so much joy in the life I've built, and I'm not ready to cut my family off entirely, but I don't like the amount of emotional labor my partners have to put into helping ground and stabilize me after visits.
Any stories about how people have handled this, or even just perspectives from other people who are struggling, would be appreciated.