How do you trust anyone? (Trigger warning)
Every single man I’ve ever known in my entire life. Not one of them has cared more about the pain they caused me (or other women), than their selfish wants. All of my friends, all of my family, all of the men. I don’t personally know a single woman who is happy with a man.
My father, my brother, the men who exploited me as a teenager, the ones who paid for my body when I was 18-20, trafficked and disabled with no family support and bills to pay.
Every partner I’ve ever had has been a porn addict. I tried so hard to avoid them, I asked all the right questions, I watched for all the right behavior. Now my recent partner of almost 2 years has blindsided me again — not only was he watching porn after agreeing since day 1 that it isn’t allowed in my relationships, but it’s been misogyny porn. The worst kinds of porn. Barely legal, drugging, pain, rape.
I finally thought I was with a good, caring man. My last partner literally caused me to develop mast cell activation syndrome and become permanently more disabled when I found all the money he was sending to cam girls, right after we were trying on engagement rings. I picked myself up and started again, each time destroying my health more and more.
This partner knew how bad it would hurt me. Knew my past with addicts and being trafficked. Knew my personal involvement with the industry. Agreed to the rules, acted the part. Claimed he “never really liked porn” and “thought it was gross.” Now he claims he’s an addict because it’s the easy way out rather than admitting that he did this knowing the consequences. He can’t think of one good reason why he’s done this to me so he must be an addict, because then, it’s not really his fault is it? He’s sick.
How do you trust men? I’ll be 30 this year and I don’t think I can do it anymore. I always wanted a family since mine was abusive, I always wanted to be a mother. But I can’t keep doing this.
All the married men who would pay for my body when I was 18, and talk about how much they loved their wives and family. It took me so long to heal from that and now discovering that this sweet man I wanted to marry has been getting off to the abuse and degradation and trafficking of women? They’re all the same.
I don’t know what to do anymore. Setting boundaries doesn’t work, they’ll lie. Cutting them off early doesn’t work, it’s just a forever revolving door of losers. They’re all like this. They hate themselves and they hate women.
I just want peace and safety. I’m TOO aware of reality, having experienced this topic from every direction. As a daughter, as a sister, as a partner, as a victim. As the woman betrayed, as the woman sold, as the woman abused, all of the above.
I already work with a therapist regularly but this is breaking me. My (now) ex wants me to let him work on it, he’s begging, he swears it will change but I KNOW it won’t. I already caught him with a lesser offense a year ago and the consequence was me breaking up with him for 4 months where he had to fight very hard to get me back. He got me back and does this again? No consequences will change his actions.
I can’t get over the fact that this is what he thinks of women. The misogyny porn is the worst. Some of the captions (warning):
>!“Alcohol assisted consent”!<
>!“Barely 18 Gen Z girls want to be abused”!<
>!“You deserve to be drugged and raped”!<
>!“Women are nothing more than holes”!<
>!“Daddy raped you as a little girl so now you let men abuse your body”!<
I even had to alter those because they violated the restricted word guidelines for this sub.
The subreddits get taken down and new ones pop up. Now this big news story about the rape academy? Men drugging their wives?
We really never stopped being second class citizens to them. Less than human. I can’t cope.