Mothers Day! We move differently
Today used to be a day I dreaded. I used to hate knowing my stepkids would spend the day celebrating their mom while I felt overlooked and forgotten. I didn’t hate the day because they would be celebrating their mom because in reality she deserves to be celebrated, but the hurt that came along with me not being recognized or celebrated for being their ‘behind-the-scenes mom’ or stepmom. To be honest for a long time, I let it hurt me deeply.
My stepson has usually wished me a Happy Mother’s Day, and I appreciate that more than he probably realizes. My stepdaughter never really has unless my husband reminded her, and for years I let that bother me too. Watching the big emotional posts for her mom for every occasion while never privately acknowledging me just fed the thoughts and feelings of being invisible which used to genuinely upset me. Then I realized loyalty bonds are STRONG and sometimes are the only way a child knows how to emotionally cope.
However, over time, I’ve realized something important: these are not my children, and I cannot force a bond, appreciation, or recognition that someone isn’t ready to give. I can’t or won’t even do this with my biological children. What I can do is choose peace for myself.
My husband and I have done a lot for these kids. We’ve sacrificed financially, emotionally, and mentally because we love them. As most parents do. I do not expect and award or anything but some sort of acknowledgment or ‘I see you’ would be nice. I personally paid almost all of the cost for braces because I wanted to help provide something important for her future and sacrificed a backup car for my stepson. Not because I expected praise or recognition, but because that’s the kind of person I am.
Do I wish there was more appreciation sometimes? Sure. I’m human. Pair that with abandonment issues and ADHD rejection sensitivity and it’s a mixing lot of emotions. But I’m learning that constantly focusing on what I’m not getting back only steals my own happiness. Daily.
At the end of the day, I know the kind of wife, mother, and woman I am. I know who shows up, who helps carry responsibilities, who creates stability, and who truly puts in the work behind the scenes. Im not saying nor insinuating others do not, Im saying I know what I do and what my husband and his family does. I don’t need to compete with anyone else or this ‘imagine’ that’s being portrayed. Social media is truly one heck of a drug. To put out into the world only the good things for people to see and not the bad is essentially what everyone does. The same applies here. No one else sees the ugly or damaging things but that’s okay, I finally know my worth.
One day my stepdaughter will be grown emotionally, physically, and intellectually enough to realize the efforts that were put into her from all sides and recognize everything everyone has done, not just one side or person, and the love that was there all along. Maybe she will, maybe she won’t. Either way, I’m finally getting to a place where I’m okay. Unbothered, honestly and it’s so freeing.
I have my own child who adores and loves me. For now that’s where my energy belongs. I’m choosing peace over resentment, growth over bitterness, and happiness over constantly worrying about what other people think of me. I’m choosing not to feed into anyone’s actions or behaviors to get a reaction from me. I’m choosing to be free, now and every day goifn forward. Boy, does it feel so much better!