u/Into_darknightmares

Tomorrow my baby girl is being cremated and I honestly can’t ever imagine a day when I will feel at peace with that.

At peace with the fact our perfect little girl isn’t alive anymore, was alive for a heartbreakingly short life. Never actually got to experience being alive.

There’s so much hatred in this evil world, so many awful news headlines, so much negativity. We are good people, a happy and loving couple who just wanted to live in their tiny part of the world with their tiny baby girl.

How am I supposed to dampen the loneliness that follows after everyone else has gone home and life is expected to continue? Life feels wrong now, breathing feels wrong. The heaviness we now have to carry with us is so unfair, just so unfair

Did anybody else have one of those week by week pregnancy journals? I don’t even know what to do with mine. It’s heartbreaking to see it only a quarter filled. Knowing my beautiful baby girl will never get to read it, to read how loved she was from the very start, read about our days out and the day we chose her name.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this pain, the pain of finding something that reminds me of this loss. The pain of living in the house that our baby girl was supposed to grow up in, the pain of those stolen memories, stolen opportunities for our growing family.

I don’t think I can survive this. Time was stolen from us, our beautiful baby daughter lived for 38 minutes before she died and I don’t know if I can survive this pain.

My life has been filled with pain and emptiness, I had skin cancer in my teens and a cervical cancer scare a few years ago. I’ve been betrayed by people I’ve trusted, and dragged myself out of a pit of depression only to have my child die. I feel lost, broken, empty.

Our beautiful daughter was born 3 months early, I spent 6 months growing a life inside me and as a couple, those moments were some our happiest. We were a family, we were complete. Every kick was a blessing, she was our blessing. After years of bad luck, we were given the most beautiful gift of all. I wanted for nothing more in life than to be a mother, to see the love of my life be a father. To raise our daughter in a house filled with love and happiness, to show her how important the little things are in life. Every moment would have been cherished.

I’ll never get to sing to her in the kitchen while I’m baking her dad’s favourite brownies, she will never get to plant tomatoes with her grandad or brush our dogs hair. We will never get to show her the world or teach her how to swim. We will never get to fall asleep with her in our arms knowing that every horrible moment we had lived was worth it knowing we were blessed with this beautiful child.

I don’t know how I’m going to survive this, I don’t even know if I want to survive this. I don’t want to live in a world without my baby, I don’t want to decorate the Christmas tree without her, I don’t want to leave the house without her, I don’t want to breathe without her.