Undecided
So to preface this by saying my husband and I will both turn 40 this year. We live in a high cost of living metropolitan area and want to continue living here. We also both work full time and have serious careers.
We have one amazing "light of our lives" 1 year old.
My husband was always one and done (because he didn't get enough attention growing up in a multi-child home). I always wanted two (because I am one of two and I love my sibling) but this last year has made me reevaluate.
Our baby girl is amazing and I love every single moment with her, and I actually have turned down lots of childcare because I want to be the one to do things with her when I can. I spend free time thinking up fun new activities for us, and finding fun new toys she'll enjoy. I cherish every moment and activity with her.
My little brother was born 6 years after me and I remember it being a hard transition. My mother has borderline personality disorder and it really kicked in after his birth. My dad was at work all day. My mom also brought her mom in to live with us and help (my maternal grandmother, who also has mental health issues) and I hated all of it. I started having trouble in second grade, like teachers discovered I couldn't read, and started having behavioral issues, and my mom blamed me for all of it for being the "problem child." I've recovered as an adult through significant therapy and anti-anxiety medication for several years. I now have a good relationship with my parents, but they weren't / aren't great parents.
Cue to now, 1 year into parenthood, it's been a challenging year. Both my husband and I have had totally frustrated out of our minds moments. We had a full time night doula for the first three months, and even with that found parental leave really really hard.
My parents do babysit now for an evening a few times a month so we can have a night out, which has been lovely, but this only started when the little one was around 11 months.
I always wanted two, and I'm so scared now of the little one getting old and having us pass away and being alone in the world. I am also very close to my brother and love our relationship. BUT I'm absolutely terrified of the idea of having a second, like mental health wise for both myself and my husband. And I'm also worried I'd have PPD / PPA / Postpartum Rage again, and that it would be aimed at my daughter. I'm also worried I wouldn't cherish either of them if there were two, but would only see them as issues to be dealt with.
Thank you for reading this long. Would love to hear any thoughts and input. Feeling defeated.