My son prefers his part-time Disney dad and is starting to hurt our family
My son's father and I divorced when my son had just turned 2. He is 10 now, and I have been raising him myself since then (along with my now husband since my son was about 3)
Throughout my son's life, my ex has been pretty much hands-off, and on his own time and convenience kind of parent (he goes from no communication for months at a time and then will pop in for overnight visits, or he will catch a ball game or two, or will take our son out for a "Disney day" lol that is what I call it). And I'm not going to lie, in the beginning, it was difficult, and then it got easier to emotionally handle. My husband took on the role as our son's full time dad-figure and they have grown very close.
My husband and I have gone through the emotional waves of my ex's appearances. Such as consoling our son when he's upset when he cant see his dad, or over broken promises from his dad, or over unread or no response messages or calls to his dad. We have explained to our ex of these issues, followed by minor consistency and then he'll drop back off for a while.
That's not even the real issue to me... MY issue and hurt comes from my son's most recent attitude towards my husband and me. Ever since he was little, his dad would always spoil him (buy him TONS of toys or take him to closest fun zones for the day or even on lavish vacations) during his visits. So much so, when my ex wouldn't show up, our son would have fits and cry over missing a trip to Target. I get that when a kid is exposed to that from one parent, that's what they favor. While I have been the stable parent and the "Hey, let's get our homework done" and "Hey we have to do chores before video games" kind of mom.
But recently, if we don't get him the latest game or toy or whatever INSTANTLY its "well fine I'll just go ask my dad. he'll get it". My husband and I have 2 other children. If I get them something nice or praise them over reaching new milestones, it's "You never get me anything. whatever, I'll just tell my dad." If our weekend plans are to just sit at home and hang out as a family its "We NEVER do anything. I want to go to my dad's house." A few weeks ago, my husband and I spent a ton over a weekend family vacation, booking a house for us and my in laws and their kids, and we had a blast! But then my ex showed up to take our son out literally the next weekend, and my son returned home complaining that I never plan anything fun for us to do. Also, its like if something inconveniences him, or we tell him no, or we set a boundary or a rule, he just defaults to "Well my dad Blah blah blah"
So. THAT. Along with him making comments to my husband that have hurt. My husband took on being a coach for our son's ball team. Despite having a ton on his plate, he took it on to bond with our son. In one instance, he had to be a little hard on him, and our son said, "Well, I didn't ask you to be out here, you're not my dad." (Our son calls him dad, and my husband has raised him as his son btw) The other night, my son asked the dreaded "why did you and my dad get divorced" question. I have tried to read every book and online advice on this, as his dad was physically, emotionally, and verbally... unkind. I explained that I didn't feel safe around his dad, I didn't feel like the 2 of us were in a healthy and safe environment, and I thought it would be best to move on into this life we have now, it felt like the best choice for us. Followed by "Well. he has never been mean to me. What did you do to make him so mean to you?" He has told my husband multiple times at random that he wished my ex and I had never divorced.
One weekend that my ex popped in for a visit, was during my birthday. I was planning on being out of town for the day so it worked out, but I did ask that he calls me (or I would call him) on my birthday. The day of, I texted him and said that when he had the time, I'd love to hear from him and to give me a call. He read the message and after a few hours I just called him. He didn't answer. So I let it be. Later when we got home, I asked him about it and he said "Well my dad and I were playing video games and I just didn't feel like calling you." I said "Well I called you later on in the day? Just wanted two seconds to say hi and that I love you." and he said "Well yeah when you called we were out shopping. so."
MIND YOU, this is happening over someone that spends... maybe like 30 days out of the entire year with his dad. It's not that he remembers the divorce or his life before, and its not that we have a consistent schedule and he sees his dad often.
Anyways, my husband has been nothing but doting and understanding. He is the most patient man I have ever met in my life. He is the one our son confides in... just about everything. And when our son makes comments about his dad, my husband doesn't react or take it personally, but I can see that it stings. I don't want to make my kid guilty over it, but also... am I allowed to say that his attitude hurts? Like I know we cant always be fun. But we try. We try to give him the best life and childhood. (I know that kids don't want to hear that... nor do I think it's my place to make him feel any type of way about my sacrifice as a parent) I have been patient and understanding. But I am also a person too. I have feelings too. I just don't know how to maneuver and how to appropriately relay those emotions.