u/InternationalMall247

I have a hard time categorizing this in my head. I wish it were more neat and clear. My therapist says it is but sometimes I think she tells me what she thinks will make me better.
I grew up in an extremely Catholic family. Went to Catholic school my whole life and all of my parents friends were from the church. I was 6 of 7 children in my family and was always forgotten about. No one really paid any attention to me and I kind of liked flying under the radar. When I was 7, the family church friends kids were all much older than me so I always ended up hanging out with this boy (12) because he was the closest to my age.

At some point, he started trying to get me behind closed doors more. For us to be alone. He would kiss me on the sides of houses.. convince our parents to let me go over his house to watch movies. But once his mom left us alone he would put porn on the TV. I didnt understand what they were doing, but he would tell me the girls werent hurting and they really liked it. that they felt good while he touched himself in front of me. Another time at a party he got me alone in a room and convinced me to let him take photos of me half nude and for me to take them of him. I didnt want to and I said no a lot but he wouldnt drop it. so we did. i remember laying back with my legs open and the photos being taken and feeling really embarrassed and sick but he was so happy.

He touched me. I dont remember when or how many times. It was under blankets but I remember his body next to mine. He was a lot bigger than me. I was pretty short and skinny for my age and he was always tall and husky. I remember feeling his hands on me.

Someone found the photos and I got in huge trouble, by then I was 8. My parents yelled at me, my dad called me disgusting and nasty. They made me call the family of the people who found them and the boys mother to apologize. Pretty much everyone in the familys social circle knew, I would hear them talking about me. I was a social pariah after that. My parents never looked at me the same. Everyone looked at me sideways and treated me like an idiot.

I want to know, would you consider this child sexual abuse? ? or something else

i’ve struggled with depression, hyper sexuality, and feelings of being totally worthless, nasty and broken for my whole life.

I have a hard time categorizing this in my head. I wish it were more neat and clear. My therapist says it is but sometimes I think she tells me what she thinks will make me better.
I grew up in an extremely Catholic family. Went to Catholic school my whole life and all of my parents friends were from the church. I was 6 of 7 children in my family and was always forgotten about. No one really paid any attention to me and I kind of liked flying under the radar. When I was 7, the family church friends kids were all much older than me so I always ended up hanging out with this boy (12) because he was the closest to my age.

At some point, he started trying to get me behind closed doors more. For us to be alone. He would kiss me on the sides of houses.. convince our parents to let me go over his house to watch movies. But once his mom left us alone he would put porn on the TV. I didnt understand what they were doing, but he would tell me the girls werent hurting and they really liked it. that they felt good while he touched himself in front of me. Another time at a party he got me alone in a room and convinced me to let him take photos of me half nude and for me to take them of him. I didnt want to and I said no a lot but he wouldnt drop it. so we did. i remember laying back with my legs open and the photos being taken and feeling really embarrassed and sick but he was so happy.

He touched me. I dont remember when or how many times. It was under blankets but I remember his body next to mine. He was a lot bigger than me. I was pretty short and skinny for my age and he was always tall and husky. I remember feeling his hands on me.

Someone found the photos and I got in huge trouble, by then I was 8. My parents yelled at me, my dad called me disgusting and nasty. They made me call the family of the people who found them and the boys mother to apologize. Pretty much everyone in the familys social circle knew, I would hear them talking about me. I was a social pariah after that. My parents never looked at me the same. Everyone looked at me sideways and treated me like an idiot.

I want to know, would you consider this child sexual abuse? ? or something else

journal

i wrote this journal entry about how I’ve been feeling. I struggle with depression and this has been a hard week with no real triggers I can think of.

When I was 6-8 an older boy(11-13), a church friend of the family exposed me to things and touched me. He would show me porn and tell me the girls werent hurting and that they liked it while he was touching himself. he would try to convince me to do those things. he took nude photos of me and had me take them of him. Another family friend found these photos and I was punished. My dad, usually the calm one, was completely livid and called me disgusting and nasty. My mom was furious but she always was so that didnt bother me. my siblings and their friends from school/church knew about it and I would hear them talk about me sometimes. Everyone treated me differently after that.

anyway, this is the journal entry. I hold a tremendous amount of guilt and feel dirty all the time. I feel like I came broken and am not worth anything good.

I’m wondering whether this entry is too much to send to my therapist. I don’t want to feel judged I just want it all to stop.

“It’s hard to get out of bed and feels impossible to get anything done. I know I need to get up, move, talk to people, clean. But I can’t do any of it. I feel completely worthless. I haven’t been answering calls or texts. I have no desire to speak. I feel empty with nothing to say.

Sometimes I look at events in my life, in the past or present like I’m watching a movie or reading a book. I watch myself make stupid decisions. I watch myself lie in bed. I watch people take advantage of me. I watch and I’m always angry. Why can’t I make better decisions? Pull myself together? Why don’t I walk out of situations I don’t want to be in?

The things that happened, the things I did and how I was treated afterwards have been on my mind a lot. It’s like a movie I can’t turn off. I never wanted to think about it in detail but now it plays in my mind uninvited and unrelenting. It feels like I’m there in those moments. In the dark rooms with closed doors. There’s a pit in my stomach. The walls in some rooms were decorated with rock posters. Some bright white with nothing to look at but him. His words blur. He tries to convince and persuade me. I don’t even understand what it is.. but I know it’s wrong. I feel his warm body near mine. He’s a lot bigger than me. I feel his hands and fingers touch me under blankets and I’m frozen. I don’t move and I don’t remember saying that was okay. I’m  confused and I feel small, like I’m nothing.

I remember feeling afraid and sick while he seemed happy taking photos of me lying back with my legs open. I want to vomit.

 When we were older he tried to bring it up to me on a few occasions, both alone and in front of my peers. I pretended I didn’t know what he was talking about.

I see myself and I think maybe I couldn’t tell anyone but why did I continue to be around him? I couldve played alone but I keep finding myself behind closed doors with him. Maybe its on my mind so much because I pretended for a long time it didn’t happen. I moved away from everything and wanted to make myself into someone different. I wanted to go somewhere no one had any assumptions about me or looked down on me.

I’m trying really hard not to feel this way. I try to think of things that make me smile and I want to make people around me smile too. I’m making plans later this week with my sister although I don’t want to be out. For now, I’m stuck in my bed and it feels like my body weighs 1000 pounds. I can’t keep my mind straight and I feel worthless. I tell myself to get up but I don’t. I just lie here heavy and stuck.”