There’s no serious issues in my marriage. My husband and I get along decently, and I do enjoy spending time with him; there’s just no romance in our relationship and hasn’t been for almost year (pretty much since we’ve been married). We were crazy about each other before we got married. Sometimes we still tell each other we love each other, but it just feels like empty words that don’t mean anything (at least for me). I do love him, but I feel like I love him in the way that I love my parents. I would be devastated if my parents died or were no longer in my life, but I obviously don’t have romantic or sexual feelings towards them.
My husband is a great guy. He’s kind to me and supportive, and I really don’t want to lose him or separate. However, it feels like we’re just living together as good friends/ platonic family members. I was super excited to get married and have an healthy, active sex life. Unfortunately, our marriage started with sexual dysfunction on his part that I don’t think we ever recovered from. Ever since, I’ve always felt unwanted/ unattractive/ undesirable to him because of the sexual dysfunction, despite him telling me otherwise. It quickly got to the point where I stopped wanting to have sex with him, because I’d never know if he would be able to get an erection and the thought of things not working just made me feel rejected and unattractive. We’ve now had a dead bedroom for several months.
We’ve both gone to individual therapy. I’m not certain what he’s talked with his therapist about, but I’ve talked to mine about my feelings towards my marriage and how I wish to feel differently towards my husband. The therapist suggested my husband and I have open, genuine conversations about the issues in our marriage. We have talked about it, and it doesn’t help. It feels like we just talk about how there’s no affection and emotional intimacy in our marriage and how it bothers both of us, but nothing ever changes because my feelings towards him just don’t change. Talking about the problem doesn’t change things or rekindle romantic feelings towards him (for me). It feels like we both desire to feel wanted by the other person, so we both wait for the other person to show they want us, and it never happens. I often fantasize about the idea of strange men making me feel wanted and desired, because I feel so undesired in my marriage.
I don’t want a divorce/ seperation; I don’t want to give up the life my husband and I have built together. However, I’m starting to seriously consider seperation, as I’m reflecting on how unhappy I am with the way my marriage is. Nothing that we try to do to fix it ever works. We try to spend more time together and do new things together and again, it’s nice but just feels like two friends hanging out.