How do I deal with having to abandon my friend who is in an abusive relationship
hi I hope this is the right sub to post on. I just need some kind of support/advice. I have a friend who I’ve been friends with since I began college and our relationship has been semi tumultuous ever since I met her. We got in a huge fight a year or so into our friendship over the dumbest thing and didn’t speak for months. We eventually had a class together and made up and began hanging out and getting close again. When I met her she was in an abusive relationship with a high school boyfriend who would verbally abuse her and they would cheat on each other constantly. I tried to encourage her to move in with me and we could be roommates but she declined and ended up getting a place on her own. Last year we got super close and would go out every Thursday for drinks and laugh and just enjoy each other’s presence. we were each others best friend and she even went to far as to call me her soulmate. She admitted to me a few months ago that she developed a huge crush on me during this time and even fell in love with me (I’m not really sure this girl even knows what love is so I took it with a grain of salt). I had just started dating my current boyfriend who I love dearly so I guess when her feelings got too big, she started distancing herself from me. At the time I just took her ghosting me on the chin and knew this was just common behavior for her when things got rough in her life so I didn’t taken it personally when she stopped responding to my requests to hang out. Last summer I ended up moving into her apartment complex with my boyfriend and I was so excited cause I could just see her often now. A while after I moved in she started dating this guy who I immediately didn’t like. I thought he was a bum and not good enough for my friend. I’m not very good at hiding my feelings so I shit on him whenever I could (I realize I shouldn’t have done this). I saw her less and less and she stopped responding to me again. I had to show up to her apartment to get her to answer me so I could make sure she was okay. she’d usually invite me in and it would be laughter and happiness as usual. And then eventually she started to come to me only when she had problems with her boyfriend. I encouraged her to leave him because it was almost everyday she would have an issue with him but she never did and I wasnt happy about it but what could I do? A few months into fall we went out and got really drunk she told me that he started to put his hands on her. choking her, making her feel unsafe, treating her like a sex doll, ignoring her needs, etc. she told me he was planning on moving her away from our town and into another state where she didn’t know anybody. I immediately got scared because I just dealt with a similar situation where my high school best friend started dating a 40 year old man at 19 and has now moved in with him and being a neo nazi (whole other story but it’s important to this one because my friend knew how horrible this event was for me). and I told her I didn’t want to deal with this again and to think about all the people in her life who love her and don’t want to see her go with this man. she ended up going home with a random guy as her way to break up with the boyfriend. I didn’t like this but I drunkenly encouraged the reckless behavior because I understand that sometimes you just need a crash out. I’ve been there. she ended up leaving the guys place and was going to walk home (drunk, multiple miles away from our apartment) I was already home and immediately woke up my boyfriend so we could go pick her up (I had her location). when we got there ofc she was on the phone with her bf who was calling her an idiot and telling her that walking home was her lesson. she ended up trauma dumping on my bf and I explaining how men have been abusing her since she was little and it’s her life to destroy if she wants to. I just got her home, made sure she was alright, and went home. she ended up attempting suicide a few days later. the day before she tried, she self harmed so bad and called me to come over, begging me to not call the police. I wasn’t sure what to do so I just held her, let her cry it out, and laid her down with some water and cleaned her apartment for her so she didn’t need to wake up to blood everywhere. I tried to stay over but she insisted that I leave even when I was very very adamant that I didn’t think it was a good idea and I didn’t mind staying with her. Soon after her attempt she got diagnosed with leukemia and I knew things were only going to get worse. of course she got back with him, dropped out of school, and quit her job. I tried to be there for her, asking her to hang out even if just to do nothing. I made her food and left it at her door, etc. eventually I finally made solid plans with her for after I got home from work. we were gonna go to a fun Zumba class (nothing crazy since i know her body isnt well, but she said agreed and said it sounded like a lot of fun). I get home from work only to see her boyfriends car waiting outside her apartment and then her location showed she left. I was so over it because I tried my hardest to be there for her, respect her boundaries, etc, and she blew me off to go hang out with her abusive boyfriend. she of course got mad at me when I asked her if she blew me off to hang out with him. told me that he isn’t a bad guy, she doesn’t want to go to a stupid dance class with me, and called me a bad friend. i ignored her for a bit and we texted a few days later. she basically told me shes secretly hated me since the summer, told me it was my fault that shes with her boyfriend because she fell in love with me and I was already with my boyfriend. we ended up coming to some resolution but I stopped attempting to reach out. she tried reaching out to me but I didn’t respond eventually I saw on her story that she MOVED IN with this guy. and I lost it and soft blocked her. I cant keep doing this with her. I can’t keep pouring myself into her, trying my best to be a good friend, and getting ignored and berated for trying to help. I’ve cried endlessly over her and her situation. my boyfriend tried to tell me over and over again that I needed to stop trying so hard with her because it’s clear she doesn’t want my help. it was a couple months ago since I soft blocked her and I still find myself thinking about her. I walk past her old apartment almost everyday. dealing with 2 friendship breakups over abusive men has taken a huge toll on me. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to be okay with the fact she has nowhere else to go if something goes wrong. but I can’t open myself up to her again. it just feels like getting punched in the throat.
TLDR: Complicated relationship with a friend who is down on her luck has solidified her relationship with an abusive man and I don’t know how to cope.