I'm losing it
Its been 2 years since they left me. Things went from "I'm so happy I found someone like you." To the good old "I just dont want to be in a relationship right now." And like two weeks later they were dating someone new.
My life completely fell apart. I completely shut down. We shared so many hobbies and interests, so many different things but now I just go cold and dissociate whenever I even think about things I used to once love. They're all just reminders of the first person I've ever felt truly connected with in 35 years and how they just stopped caring.
I've tried lots of things:
Gymming
Learning a new language
Learning to code and working with a partner to start a business
Went to Europe for 2 weeks
Volunteered at an animal shelter
Doubled my therapy
Tried ketamine therapy
It just gets worse everyday. I've lost interest in continuing. I just can't really see a reason why I'd want to. Struggle to find a new job where I can just plug away endlessly so that I can keep on affording to live whilst everyday getting home exhausted to a cold and empty apartment where I have no motivation to be around people but hate the loneliness more than anything else?
I'm just so tired of it all.
I never really had a close connection with my family and none of my friendships were ever really more than surface level. I started isolating more and more. Going out less and less. Even after people knew that I was seriously considering ending it I still go long periods of time without hearing from anyone. I've come to realise that nobody actually wants to be a part of my life and if I dont initiate contact then it's like I don't exist.
I cant blame them of course, it's a two way street and I'm not a great friend either. I mask constantly.
But at the end of the day I can't shake the logical conclusion: they can't _all_ be wrong, right?
The person I dated before cheated on me. My brother was always the family golden child. Etc. At some point you have to consider "Maybe I AM the problem." The people that come to know me well all come to understand I'm not worth knowing or keeping in their lives. They aren't all wrong.
Maybe I'm just incapable of that connection. I've always been odd.
I can no longer even picture a future where things are better, where I am happy. I can no longer even say what make or would make me happy. It just all feels so empty and... pointless. I know they say you have to love yourself before you can be loved but the self loathing has become so deeply ingrained that it's now a belief, something that my mind holds evidence to and struggles to disprove. I never learnt self validation and it seems completely impossible now.
Why would I even want to fix my life when at the end of it all I still can't be with the person I fell so completely for? What end goal is there that would satisfy me? More and more the belief solidifies that... there just isn't anything there and that I'm more and more ok with calling it. I tried, life just doesn't seem to be "for me". And that's ok, right?