u/Inside-Ad-8745

i was worried that im a bad partner (not attracted enough, don’t love him enough) and my bf deserves better and i felt so guilty and just heavy and i then thought maybe i have to leave like it’s inevitable bc he deserves better and then i thought you could be with that guy from your course and then i was like no i dont want that but then i was like do i? and i felt like i did and i was worried and i thought no i can’t even anyway bc i wont see him again and then i was like panicked i think about the idea of being alone and unloved and my brain went but you could find him like through the gc or something and then i was like no i dont want him i just don’t want to be alone and thats all this is and i carried on with my day but now i feel so horrible. i dont want to leave and im not planning leaving but i just feel so guilty and sad and like a terrible person, but i love my bf and dont want anyone else but in that minute it felt like i did and like i was lying to myself? but then i realised i just dont want to be alone and its not about wanting that guy. i also feel bad bc i cant remember the exact sequence of thoughts so now my brain is saying maybe you wanted it maybe you considered it seriously but i think i was just trying to work out if i wanted that bc i was worried simultaneously about being a bad partner and about being alone. but its nothing to do with that person they literally mean nothing to me im just scared of being alone.

I’m worried this is not pocd and is actually real. I was watching a show and there was a kissing scene between two teen characters and I felt aroused and enjoyed it which is disgusting. I don’t think I am attracted to teenagers? but i get thoughts about tje characters on the show and i often look away if i feel like im attracted bc i find that gross, or sometimes i try to reassure myself I’m not attracted by looking at them and just thinking of course I’m not attracted to them they’re children. The weird thing is I don’t even feel particularly anxious just ashamed and uneasy bc I don’t want to be a bad person or for anyone to think that I’m a bad person. Before now I would get intrusive thoughts about teens but I would brush them off bc I didn’t really believe that I was attracted to them, but now I feel like it’s obvious I am?