u/InsanityTraps

Idk where else to post this but since I'm becoming a NEET why not here. Also, some of you may relate to my feeling of never being good enough.

Long story short, I'm such a moron. An actual moron, I'm stupid. When I was a kid I always wanted to be something, maybe because I never got enough attention as a kid. Wanted to leave this world behind with something great to admire. I don't think that's ever gonna happen, some people just weren't made for that.

I started using PEDS when I was 17. I'm pretty much sure that these drugs fried my brain way more than what quarantine ever did. Not that I had a brain to begin with because the reasons were beyond stupid.

Apart from being obssesed about physical activity and other nonsense, there was a time I used to be obssesed about intelectual capacities. Wanted to have a shelf next to the big names such as Nikola Tesla. I gave up, why? Because I was way too dumb, and me using drugs just made me 2x as dumb.

Working out has been my biggest butterfly effect, not a good one. Of course I'd still be extremely fked up if I hadn't worked out. Because the cancer can't be erased, but at least the physique wouldn't be so associated with me.

Now that I'm thinking of becoming a game dev and working in my book, I'm really doubting myself because I'm extremely dumb. If I hadn't wasted like more than 4 years of my life working out and not using my brain maybe I wouldn't be as stpid.

My depression getting worse isn't helping either, all I want to do is rot in my bed and never get out.

Sorry for the word salad, English isn't my main language and thinking hurts my monkey brain.

To begin with, I'm a 3rd worlder so everyone here is having sex left and right like bunnies. It's literally normal to see 15-16 years old girls having 18-20 years old boyfriends who are in college.

I remember being mocked by my friends at the time for not having sex as my highest priority. Anytime I wanted to talk about something serious they were like "Shut up loser you're a virgin". I never understood that but I lived with monkeys, I wonder if that's one of the reasons I was transforming into a full blown monkey.

Anyway, I doubt that sht could ever feel fulfilling even if they were attractive. Like, what's the point of casual sex? I could only relate to that back when I was a teenager with a lot of mental issues and inferiority complexes. Once I was moving to the city, I thought that one of my problems were that I wasn't like me years ago (a corn addict impulsive monkey), so in my low iq fueled rage I started using steroids hoping that it could fix me. Well no it didn't do sht and due to my lack of prefrontal cortex development I acted 2x times as monkey as before.

Dang it grandpa guys...

Welp, to conclude all ts guys...I think that I'm coping by trying to become a game dev and writer hence I need to accept le monkeytism and fk everything that moves.

So I've quite some experience with game engines. I started with GameMaker 8 when I was around 9 years of age and another drag n drop game engines but I stopped after some months. Then I was 13 years old and started developing games for almost 2 years (with lots of breaks in between tho). I started with Unity and learned to code at the same time. C++, C#, Java, Lua. Took me some time and what not. I also tried different game frameworks and also tried to make a game completely from scratch with just Java but couldn't lol.

Now, u may be wondering "If u have that experience with coding and Unity then why GDevelop? " Well, first of all, I haven't done this for like years, I'm 19 now. Like a month ago I tried to make my game in a game framework because I didn't want to relearn the engine. Didn't turn out well. The thing is:

For the type of game I'm making (story rich, kind of an rpg but at the same time not, 2d with 3d elements etc, don't wanna make this too long) I really need the visual cues, to see what I'm making as I progress and develop other elements such as the story. I've written some part of the story already but I really feel like I need those visual elements, to see how it progresses as I develop it. This is actually a technique that writers use (idk the name but it's like going with the flow or something), and is a technique that I've also used but in drawing. This is important for the type of game I'm making.

With other engines such as Unity, or game frameworks that rely a lot on coding, I don't feel like I'd be able to achieve that idea. Been thinking of RPG Maker because it fits my need, but I feel like it could be more limited than GDevelop + don't wanna pay (no money) especially for my type of game.

GDevelop checks the most boxes but I see there's not much community support online and the no code make it seem way too limiting but idk. Help me choose guys I'm in overthinking hell lol.

I've always felt dumb. My father said that I learned quite fast as a kid, faster than the others. Clearly something happened with my brain as I grew up.

When I was around 14-15.5 years old I wanted to be like men such as Nikola Tesla, Isaac Newton and my favorite game devs. Never could, I tried but I was too stupid, now I'm double than that.

You go to college and your first sighting is people, enjoying time with other people. I'm reminded of what I'll never get a breath of that world, a world that once was familiar but now it's no more than a burning memory.

College, malls, stores, parks, restaurants. Same species but feel like a totally different kind. Not saying that I'm special, the only thing I'm is an error.

There was a day before we lost our souls. We could understand the melody of our voices, the rhythm of our breaths, now we're made of silicone.

I hate myself so much. And not only I'm ugly, I'm also a horrible piece of human being. I'm the perception people have of flies, even then, I'd rather wake up as a fly: at least I wouldn't have to worry about people perceiving me as other than a fly.

It took me a lifetime to realize I'm the problem, if only I was brave enough to erase the problem.

Title. First of all, I'm not a beginner...kinda. To sum it up:

I started learning to create games with gamemaker when I was abt 9 years old, trying to recreate my favourite games by following tutorials. Dropped it after a while. Quarantine arrived and I finally tried to learn makijng my OWN games, in this case it was with Unity; took me a while but I finally got it and it was fairly easy to use the engine. And I kept on it for more than a year. I could never finish any game so they were mostly prototypes lol, I only finished one that was for a game jam.

In between, I tried learning game frameworks such as FNA, I did a short bullet hell (kinda) game. Then I used CoronaSDK to make a few prototypes. Then I tried to make a game from scratch in Java but was too hard. I still prefer game engines.

So I have some experience with coding. The reason that I'm doubting Unity is because of the fiasco there was some years ago. I tried to learn Godot a few years ago anyway but it was literally harder for me to learn than Unity. And I know that things have changed but still, their data management seems kind of sus to me.

Then we have Defold, and I think it's a good engine but I'd have to code most functions that require math myself, and I can barely do arithmetic operations in my mind.

Then we have GDevelop...idk the engine seems too sloppy in the sense that it looks like those youtube ads but instead of being for games it's for making them.

After thousands of abandoned prototypes I finally decided to make my dream game. Mind you, I'm not expecting to be rich and I now know what's realistic and not. But I'm determined.

I'm just thinking of using Unity because that's the engine I'm most familiar with but idk man. I've been paralyzed for weeks due to my overthinking.

This is getting too long so maybe I'm gonna finish this in the comments. So basically, the only thing that's stopping me from choosing Unity is its data policies and controversy, Defold? The math, Godot? The controversy they had.