u/InformationFeeling78

N ot like saying you’re 15 when your 16, I mean like when I was 13 my mum booked me into my schools after school program for 3-10 year olds and I got called to go there even tho I was literally 3 years older than the cutoff. or just on forms putting my age like so much younger. also idk if this is related but until I was 14 my mum would in the holidays book me into clubs that were way too young for me, so I’d be spending it with like 7-9 year olds as a teenager. Idk if this is bc she forgot though or because she just wanted me to be at a camp and just ignored the age thing 😅

So two months ago I (16f) got diagnosed with depression. My mum sat me down and told me a bunch of hurtful things like "me and your dad are disappointed in you for not being strong enough" "it's selfish and you will go to hell" "it's embarrassing" "you will be institutionalised and everybody will leave you" and just things like that. Obviously that really hurt and made my depression even worse than it was before.

But today 2 months later she said she realised what she said was wrong and apologised for it. Am I like allowed to still hold it against her or be upset by those things? She said she just said it out of fear and she was sorry but it still hurt me at the time. There were 2 months where I just felt lonely and had nobody to turn to, was spiralling into even worse depression just feeling horrible and completely alone because all the reasons I hated myself were validated. I felt like I must've imagined it or what she said was true because she never mentioned that conversation again until today. And this conversation is only like one part of the CEN that occurred, albeit an impactful part, but isn't nearly everything.

She also said she won't act like that again and I can open up to her, but that conversation was kind of my last straw. I'd gotten used to being dismissed when I opened up (this isn't the first time, just the worst) and that conversation finally set in stone that all the reasons I already hated myself were true and I never want to open up to my mum again. I feel like if I don't start being honest with her I'm not letting her make up for it, but I don't want to get hurt like that again. My brain won't let me trust her anymore.

Is it mean to say it's too late? I feel like I'm now supposed to go back to "normal", but that conversation was a turning point and helped me understand the rest of the neglect that had been happening. All I want to do is move out and leave this all behind, even if my mum says she's sorry and wants to try again. Is that mean?