last LSAT…
welp. took my second (technically 3rd because i did a retake) LSAT and it’s my last one. this is gonna be the score that releases the hold on 99% of my apps and i feel super ??? dejected and like aimless? i’ve studied for this test for so long and i was supposed to take it months ago but they messed up my accommodations and i had to wait two months and when i finally took it, my proctor messed up my accommodations and i had to do the retake and it took a lot out of me and i under performed severely.
i sent out all my apps anyways and i know objectively my score isn’t AWFUL but it just sucks when it’s not what you were expecting from yourself.
i took the exam today (got an R from a school a few hours before) and the first LR was pretty good but i choked on the RC and had to guess for the last passage. the last LR was difficult but i couldn’t tell if it was just from fatigue or if the questions were actually hard (i’d guess a mix of both). but now it’s kind like… okay now what? i did all of this and obviously it’s not the end all be all, the LSAT is a means to an end but it just feels weird. I wish i could gauge how i did but i truly have no idea and am preparing for the worst. for my retake i felt absolutely awful after and knew i did poorly but didn’t think id get as low of a score as i did.
i basically isolated myself during the studying process and application process. i quit drinking, never went out, dedicated all my free time to studying and the rest of my time was spent working a full time job. and im young like i see all my friends with their “big girl” jobs and they’re already making money and on a path and i know the grass is always greener but i feel so stagnant. i know that i want to go to law school, there has never been a doubt in my mind but i didn’t think it would be this lonely.
i feel like i sacrificed so much for naught. which is totally my fault im fully aware of that. i did not need to do ANY of this. but i dunno. maybe someone feels similarly? i mean, for your sake i HOPE not, but selfishly it would bring me some solace to know im not completely losing my mind.
i have my exam sitting by my door, in the box, ready to be shipped out tmrw and it’s like damn, all that time and effort is in a stupid cardboard box and it’s all out of my hands now! i’m being a dramatic baby so feel free to vote this down and tell me to shut up. i know this is (mostly) post-exam existentialism and i give it a few days until i realize this is all insane and law school is law school and i would be lucky to go to any law school because it’s not really about what school you go to, it’s about eventually practicing law and i feel like it’s super easy to forget that when you get wrapped up in rankings, LSAT scores, medians, “softs” (like what the fuck do you MEAN t1 soft, t2 soft.. THATS NOT A REAL THINGNFNEHWHDHJEJ) etc etc. and i’ve let myself get away from my intentions and morality but man. it’s hard not to. but anyways. this was a lot.
i know that everyone on this sub is going to do great things in law if that’s what you aim to do—this score and test doesn’t mean so much at the end of the day if you don’t use it for good. so as long as you do that, follow your heart (so cliche i know, but trying to remind myself of the important stuff), then it’s all really just a means to an end and in a few years, if you’re lucky, you won’t even remember your LSAT score because the work you’ve done professionally and even personally will far exceed and outweigh the significance of a standardized test score. maybe this is “cope”. maybe not. who cares! floating rock and all that.