Just Confused
Both late 40s, no kids, married 20+ years.
i clearly love and care about my wife. But I also clearly am frustrated with her and our marriage. when she’s happy and doing well, I love spending time with her. But that’s getting rare.
We seem to value and want different things in life. That didn’t used to be the case. I feel she just likes me as some combination of someone that can do things around the house, help with the bills (she makes more than me), and be there to do fun stuff with. I don’t feel valued for who I am as a person.
No sex for two years and she can be verbally abusive when her mental health issues act up. Getting more frequent. Yet, her disapproval and the thought of her not being there or hating me cuts deep. I recoil from it. Friends and family think I should leave, but her criticisms of me have merit. I’ve got serious flaws as a husband, so her frustration and anger hits home. That said, she’s also estranged from her family, many former friends and hates my family. it’s not just my flaws. She hates most people.
She cares for me but like an investment not as a unique individual. Like you would for a value object or trusted employee.
I miss being able to do what I want. I no longer agree with how she treats people.
I like my lifestyle, house, and cats. I’d lose that. How do you leave the person who’s been the most important person in your life for almost half of your life? How do you leave when you were dateless and single for most of your life before you met her except for two years in college?
I miss my independence. I miss our emotional and physical intimacy. I miss what we were. I miss me. I fear leaving would make everything worse. I know she‘d make it as painful as possible.
Why am I a coward who won’t press her to get help (she’d say no), won’t leave, and won’t fix himself? I wish I’d never met her and fallen in love with her.