My boyfriend (35M) and I (33F) have been together for about a year and a half, and I’ve been struggling with some recurring issues in our relationship. I’d really value an outside perspective.
The main challenges I see are:
1. Mismatched libidos
I have a much higher sex drive than he does. Ideally, I’d like to have sex 4–5 times a week, while he seems comfortable with 1–2 times a week. This difference leaves me feeling unsatisfied at times.
2. Different emotional styles and levels of passion
I’m a very affectionate, expressive, and passionate person. I enjoy physical touch, flirting, giving compliments, and spending a lot of time together.
He, on the other hand, is more "calm", whereby I sometimes find him a bit cold. Last year, he was also dealing with depression and tended to isolate himself, which made me feel quite lonely. Things have improved this year, but I still sometimes feel like he treats me more like a friend than a romantic partner.
Example #1: I recently booked a flight for a trip together. I decided to book before he did because prices were going up and he was unsure how long his trip would be. I was then sad that we wouldn’t be sitting together, but he didn’t mind, which made me sad. Example #2: After spending a whole weekend together, I told him I would miss him, and he said he wouldn’t miss me. Moments like these make me question how he feels, and if we are compatible, because they make me sad. I always try to rationalise as I know he cares about me and loves me and is attracted to me, but still, I wish things were smoother. On the other hand, I really appreciate that he is honest and doesn't sugarcoat his emotions, because I am an overthinker and this way I know i can always trust that he tells me the truth.
3. Future uncertainty
I want to have children, while he isn’t sure if he does. This difference worries me, especially since I’m about to move to another continent for work in October, and he plans to follow me 6 months later. There’s a lot of uncertainty, and it adds to my stress. He did say he would like to have them, but is afraid they will inherit his depression, so I think this is smth we can work on together.
About me
I have ADHD (though sometimes I wonder if I do not have it and instead I "only" have an anxiety disorder). I tend to question everything in my life. I go through cycles of feeling very happy and motivated, then doubting everything and feeling unhappy. This pattern shows up in my work and in my relationships. The cycles can be super short, with multiple cycles per day.
Because of this, I keep questioning whether my concerns are valid, or if my negativity is part of these cycles. I also have a history of being too perfectionistic, so I am worried that I might be sabotaging a good relationship because I’m expecting something “perfect” that doesn’t exist.
Lately, I’ve been very emotionally overwhelmed, constantly cycling through these thoughts.
What makes this hard
He is attractive, kind, caring, affectionate and a good listener. We cuddle a lot and he is very thoughtful (for instance, he remembers to get me smth I need) I know I matter to him. But sometimes I feel like he lacks a certain passion or intensity toward me. I’ve come to understand that this may simply be his personality, but when I see other couples (especially on social media) where the man seems very openly passionate, I can’t help but feel like something is missing in my relationship.
So the advice I'm seeking is: What would you do in my place? Which steps can I take to make the doubts go away (one way or the other)? Maybe there is some wisdom you want to share with me? I am already looking for a therapist.