My brother slowly became a stranger to me, and I don’t know how to stop grieving the person he used to be
21F. My brother is 23M.
Growing up, we were extremely close. We played together, stayed together, and basically did everything together. In many ways, he was my role model. I always wanted to be like him.
We had a messy family environment growing up, but our parents still tried their best to provide for us. Before college, my brother took a gap year, and during that time I was there for him constantly whenever he panicked, cried, or felt lost. Then he left for college, promising that he would stay in touch with me.
That’s when things slowly started changing.
The first time he came home after going to college, I was incredibly excited. I thought we would spend time together like before. I imagined us talking for hours, him telling me stories about college, laughing together again.
But the person who came back felt completely different.
He barely talked to me. He wouldn’t share anything about his life anymore. I wasn’t even allowed to touch his phone. The things I talked about suddenly didn’t seem “interesting” enough for him. One day I told him that this wasn’t what I had expected, and he raised his voice at me and said, “Then what were you expecting?”
I didn’t even know what to say after that.
For the next 4 years, the same cycle repeated every semester break. I would get excited for him to come home, hoping things would finally feel normal again, and every single time I ended up disappointed and crying after he left.
Now he has a job and lives in another city.
The past year has been very hard for me mentally, and he knows that. He knows I’ve been struggling badly. But he has never once called to check on me. I was there for him during his lowest moments, yet he doesn’t even seem interested in asking how I’m doing.
And it’s not like I never tried to maintain the relationship. I always initiated conversations. I always tried to reconnect. But he never reciprocated.
For years now, he has barely even called home. My parents are always the ones calling him, and half the time he doesn’t pick up. Sometimes he calls back, sometimes he doesn’t. Most of the time, he only messages my father when he needs money.
The few times he has opened up to me, he talks about how lonely he is and how he has no friends. But then that same weekend I’ll see him out with people.
All of this has hurt me and my parents deeply, but he never wants to listen. At this point, my parents have almost stopped questioning him because they’re scared he’ll completely cut ties with us.
Once, when I tried pointing all of this out to him, he blocked me.
I think what hurts the most is that I still can’t separate the brother I grew up loving from the person he has become over the last 4 years. I put him on such a high pedestal in my mind that I still struggle to accept reality.
I genuinely want a good relationship with my brother, but he doesn’t seem to have even the slightest interest in talking to me.
At this point, I just want to emotionally detach and reach a mental space where his actions no longer affect me so deeply. But I don’t know how to do that. My own mental health is already in a very bad place, and his coldness only makes it worse.
I’ve even deleted my Instagram account so I wouldn’t see him there anymore. I muted and archived his WhatsApp chat too, even though he never messages me anyway.
How do I stop being emotionally affected by someone I still care about so much?