I’m 27F and I was recently diagnosed with BPD, but I’ve noticed this pattern for years.
I constantly make detailed lists (I’d be mortified if anyone saw them lol) about how I should look, act, and exist to be admirable and obsess worthy. The lists change before I even act on them, so I just stay stuck. (It also feels kind of regulating, to the point where it’s become a habit. I spend a LOT of time on it just to feel hopeful, then I delete everything and start over again.)
In real life, I dress bland, isolate myself, and hold back from letting people really know me because I feel like I have to be that version first. Especially after a mental breakdown I had, I feel like I ruined everything and now I’m just hiding until I fix it.
The part I’m most embarrassed about is that I really want other women to be fixated on me. Not romantically, just that feeling of them not being able to compete with me. I think it’s because I quietly obsess over other women, their lives, their vibe, how at home they seem in themselves and then put that into my list as my new “identity”. I want to uno reverse that feeling somehow in my mind. I was seen that way but I dismissed it because of them liking the “wrong” version of me :’)
I’m already working on myself in a healthier way, this is just me being honest about some of my uglier feelings. If you relate to any of this, I’d really appreciate not feeling so alone in it