I (30m) was "defamed" by a group of people and my GF (30f) believed them. How do I deal with this?
I gave a TL;DR at the end but I would appreciate comments if you took the time to at least skim the full version.
Me: 31m, autistic. I have abandonment issues and a difficult relationship history. In therapy and I have a decently successful career.
Her: 30f, She is a good person and I really like her. We have some things in common, but she is not as invested in them as I am. She is financially independent from me.
Relationship: 9 months, some mutuals, everything seemed fine. We only had 1 fight here it was actually more of a misunderstanding that almost caused a break-up (about 7 months ago).
We give each other gifts, have regular sex and make time to be active together.
My therapist helped me build intimacy and some form of trust, everything was going very well. We hug a lot. I make sure to regularly check in with my GF to make sure she feels the same.
I feel like the general dynamic of the relationship is that I like doing things for her, but I am trying to protect myself and not go too far with this. I can tell she is progressively giving back more.
The only issue we have that I can name is that we have pretty different ethical/belief systems, but as long as we don't really discuss it everything works great.
I was considering to ask her to move in together soon and planned an expensive gift for her soon that she knows about and was already looking forward to.
What happened: We attended a social event (hard for me) and everything went well. After the event GF received instagram messages from someone there basically warning her to run away from me, as I am a very bad person and have hurt multiple women in the past. I don't know the specifics, but something about "almost criminal" forms of emotional abuse and harassment and she also mentioned something about me owing someone money.
Her reaction: went 100% cold and said she wants to meet me in a neutral space to talk to me and refused to share any details.
My reaction: I agreed to meet, but I felt like she had 24h to prepare her speech and I had been put in a disadvantaged position not knowing the topic.
Resolution: I was told vaguely what this is about by my GF (she refused to provide the identities of accusers or even alleged victims), she demanded explanation, but also noted she refused to inquire further with the accuser as she wanted to hear the truth from me.
I immediately knew who the main accuser was, as I recognized an old coworker of my ex who had a shady reputation in 2019. I tried to even go as far as to assume she had good intentions, (because she presents as a feminist and a very kind person despite what I heard years back) - she probably saw my ex in a very bad state after our painful break-up. However, I could not understand the rest of the accusations.
I called my ex on the spot and put her on speaker. Obviously, she cleared me completely and asked if she can do anything else to help me, reassured everything is fine and suggested the accuser's actions don't make sense - she offered to speak to my GF directly as well. She confirmed a third person reached out to her a few days prior trying to obtain "dirt on me".
Aftermath: My GF heard the conversation and immediately went back to her normal self.
Issue: I am feeling very hurt, mostly by the fact my GF of 9 months chose to trust people she barely knows over me.
I kind of understand she is a woman and has a duty to protect herself, but it still feels extremely wrong she didn't immediately forward the accusation to me.
She did not apologize directly, she did very little to acknowledge how painful it was to wait 24h for this conversation to happen without knowing what's going on and then my state after we resolved it. We have not spoken in 36 hours, because I asked for some space and suggested she needs to think about this too - she immediately said she does not see anything for her to think about.
I feel like I deserve trust and did plenty to earn it.
My therapist validated my feelings a little bit and said I could have reasonably been more angry and I do not have to jump through hoops to defend myself against anonymous accusers without proof at all.
I am considering if I should break up over this, and If I don't, I feel like suddenly buying that special gift for my GF is stupid and I should be changing some things to prioritize my own safety and wellbeing over spoiling her - it also makes thinking about moving in together abstract and unsafe -I feel like I am letting the "bad guys" win here with my thoughts.
TL;DR - GF of 9 months received lies about me and believed it, I don't see how I can recover from it.