This isn't a debate on "why don't you want marriage/kids?", I'm just asking for advice.
Asking this not as an angry question but rather as a simple "why?"
If a woman is in discernment for sisterhood, but she meets someone and genuinely has feelings for them, why would God let that happen? I understand that God's will is over ours, and I get that. It's obvious. But I have so many health problems, and none of the gifts He has given me seem to align with motherhood. I've felt the desire to be a sister ever since I became Catholic, so why must feelings get in the way of this all?
I'm a very emotionally driven person, and I'm trying to stop that. I've been in 2 horrible relationships, I'm easily influenced, and I don't trust myself with men. There's a track record of me making these kinds of mistakes, and I feel as if the sisterhood calls. But I've recently made friends with someone, and he's making me feel the way (presumably) all women want to feel. He remembers the little things, and we talk a lot. He's also really sweet and he understands the struggles I've had in my past relationships. Him and I have had a lot of deep conversations about relationships, friendships, and our family problems/outlook on life due to them. It's weird. When I was desiring marriage, I asked God to protect my husband, if he had one for me, from heartbreak the way I had it. And he just happens to fit that. I could be superstitious here, but I even prayed for God to give me a friend or someone who could understand me and who enjoys the same things I do. He also fits this. And I've been struggling with loneliness for a very long time, ever since I can really remember. Him and I have both acknowledged that our similarities and outlook on life are uncanny and almost disturbing, but I don't really see why God would do this.
I mean, maybe my gifts can somehow be used as a mother as well? But I've never felt that calling or desire and I think about being a sister relatively often, probably more so than most Catholic-identifying women. My female friends have this huge desire to be a mother and their gifts are entirely compatible with that. But I've felt relatively confident that my calling is towards sisterhood or even single life. I'm also a very messy person, mentally and literally. Everything in my life is a mess and I can hardly deal with myself most of the time due to mental problems that I either inherited or developed over time with stressful parents and all. None of this has me fit to be a mom, and I really don't get any of what's going on.
Is it possible to just keep a platonic friendship with him even though I'm secretly head over heels? Is that even ethical? I don't think he feels the same way apart from one person saying something, and I wouldn't want to get into a relationship and ruin what we have together because of my own dumb feelings.
P.s. none of this is sexual attraction, which may be relevant. I don't typically have sexual attraction to anyone, but my romantic feelings are very strong. Does this have anything to do with it? I'm really struggling. And yes, I know God doesn't want us to worry about the future, but this seems pretty relevant, no?