Tl;dr Met someone new, found myself invested in them. Found out that girl is seeing somebody who used to hit on me but I wasn't interested. They met by an accident through me. I got a very strong emotional reaction, mood drop and I want to distance myself from her.
So I've (32,NB) been dating a girl (27,F) for about 2 months. We met on application, we hit it off quickly. I also have AuADHD so I started to focus on her, think about her a lot, miss her. I have fearful-avoidant attachment so I found myself feeling anxiety vs need to distance myself if she didn't text me for example. Anyway, things started to get smooth, my 2 other partners are also okay with my new relation, they support me. She has one long distance partner. Usually I struggle with a lot of jealousy and insecurities so I was proud of myself that I felt kind of okay when she told me about that partner. However, a few days ago I asked her about her relation to one person and she said that yeah they are hanging out, kind of dating. I was shocked, disappointed? I felt this sick feeling in my stomach and in my chest. I started to cry. We texted a bit and I calmed myself down. I told her that I need to work on myself, I don't want to have those negative feeelings but yeah that this information was hard for me and I don't want to hear anymore about their relation unless it changes to something even more like relationship. She told me that she's seeing them as something casual and she is invested in relationship with me but I don't want to focus on that. Cause I know that i may change, both for them and for us. There is a lot of distrust in me and fear that she may not be a very steady person. She also names her feelings very quickly which was also scary for me even though I think we feel similarly towards each other.
I don't like myself right now. I got a massive mood drop. I started to be so happy last week. I suffer from depression and I am learning how to find peace in myself not through other people but yeah I suffer from mood swings, mood drops. So I was so happy that things started to get better and yet again...it's worse. Ofc I started to get thoughts - maybe I shouldn't be polyamorous or maybe I should only date people without thinking of something more with them. I can see that the more invested I get, the harder those feelings are. We are supposed to see each other in a few days but because of fear and those sick feelings I am thinking of cancelling it.
Some important info that adds up to this situation:
- The person she's seeing used to hit on me but I wasn't interested. She met them at the party where we went together. We spent time together (3 of us) but I wasn't aware that she got interested in them.
- The person is NB, amab, 13 years older than her. This is one of my triggers. Amab folks dating much younger afab folks.
- I have a history of dating other girls, at first they were interested in me but then in the end they would always go for guys or amab people. It made me feel isolated, less valid, worse than amab.
- I think that if I feel much more secure with somebody I deal much better with jealousy. It was similar to one of my partners. At the beginning I felt horrible jealousy. Right now they can tell me even about details of their encounters with the others and I'm usually totally fine.
- I'm also seeing 2 girls but I wouldn't say that it's something more than friends. We didn't even have any se*ual things with them and so far I'm not interested although I am getting closer to one of them and I told the girl I'm dating about it. We're supposed to talk about it as well when we meet.
- She may also have troubles with jealousy cause she didn't want to go out with me and my partner because she wasn't interested it spending time 3 of us. She also asked me about hierarchy, veto, she was very concerned. When we went out once , to the cinema, she also asked me some questions like were there other people in the room whom I fancied, so yeah, I feel that she may also struggle with jealousy.
- I already have Polysecure in front of me so I'm gonna read that haha
So my question is:
- what can I do to calm myself down, should I really distance myself from her or am I driven by fear of abandonment and my avoidant attachment
- I would love to hear your stories of how you deal with those negative feelings and maybe some hope that it gets better over time
- is it valid that I'm not super relaxed about this situation since I'm still in the proccess of making something with her, I am not feeling secure and I have had different fears even if she didn't text me for a day or two