Sorry this is kind of long, it is my (16F) first post! Here is what happened: Over the course of the past month or so (perhaps longer), my boyfriend (16M) (been together for about 6 months, been close friends for about 2 years) became more busy with all of the things that he is involved in (extracurriculars {4 high commitments}, council for an extracurricular, schoolwork, and personal matters) and that created more stress in his life. This made him more distant and shortened his temper. I (16F) tried to make sure I was as supportive and accommodating to his needs and feelings as possible. I also made an effort to really pay attention to what he likes in terms of support and communication (he often has a hard time verbalizing or even thinking about what he needs and wants or what would help him because not many people have even taken the time of day to learn or ask). It then seemed to get better for about 2 weeks and I was much happier, but then this week he got much more distant. He ended up sending me a text message saying “Hey baby, just making sure I have a record of this, I may or may not be MIA for the next couple weeks bc of the amount of preparation I need to do for next year.” I then responded with “Yeah ok I understand. Would you prefer me not to message or call you for that time?” He said no but just that he may not have time to text or call and that he may be short or grumpy with me. I appreciated the heads up because I can easily get anxious in a situation if there is something going on and I think it is because of me. So I told him ok and that it is ok because I understand and I love him regardless of what mood he is in. Then the next day at school we had some free time in class so I went over to where him and his friends were playing a game and asked if I could join (I’m a pretty outgoing and friendly person), then he pulled me aside and asked if we could talk. He then said that he loves me and loves spending time with me, he has been feeling more lonely in terms of friendships because he has felt like ever since we got together, he hasn’t been able to hang out with his friends almost at all (granted we only hang out basically once every 2 and a half-3 weeks) and he doesn’t want to lose them. He also said that ever since he got elected to a new position on council, he has realized he has been going going going and he needs to slow down otherwise he’ll miss everything. He then said he wants our relationship to slow down. I asked for clarification on what “slow down” meant to him and he responded with saying he wants to stop worrying about the future and focus on the present. And then he said something about wanting to make time for “fun” dates like going out to a mall or something. For reference when we do have dates, we have gone and done things around our town, gone to the library, cooked and baked together, gone to parks, did art together, but the thing we do most often is go to his house and watch movies, cuddle, and eat comfort food (this is usually his suggestion bc of how exhausted we have been with life). I thought all of these things were fun and I always felt so connected to him afterwards and I thought he did too especially because he was suggesting most of the things, but maybe not??? Or maybe he meant something like he wants it to feel less “intimate” (for lack of a better word) and more of a public thing? I’m really not sure. Anyway, after he said all of that I said I totally understand and that I’m sorry he’s felt lonely but I am grateful that he told me. I also said that I am glad that he is recognizing the need to slow down bc of all the craziness that is life. I was laying on the carpet and he took my hand and with his other one he started sweetly playing with my hair and it just made me silently start to tear up. The thing is even before the conversation I was just feeling like I missed him and really wanted to hang out with him more especially outside of school bc I love him and I really value quality time, and then realizing that I’ll be spending even less time with him got me very emotional. I never want to be a burden or feel like I’m holding him back and at that point I felt like it was a ticking time bomb so I just started quietly crying. He then started to kiss my forehead and my nose telling me it would all be ok. After that class ended I couldn’t focus for the rest of the day because I was in absolute panic mode. I just had this gut feeling that things weren’t going to last much longer and not being able to talk it out right then and there made me really anxious (I know I have a lot of anxiety related issues and I have been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now). At the end of the school day I was talking to a friend about the situation and she said some things that both comforted me and then also made me cry harder. Then he came in to take me to my bus and saw I had been crying and asked what was wrong and I explained that I have no issue with what he said and quite frankly I really appreciated that he was able to be vulnerable with me, I just felt like it was a ticking time bomb and I’m scared of losing him but I don’t want to be the thing that holds him back. He told me he loves me and that we will be ok but that we are 16 and we don’t need to focus on that right now. It had to be a short conversation because I needed to catch my bus. But something I didn’t tell him was that another part of the reason why I was upset was bc I don’t know if I can manage not spending time with him while still being in a relationship with him. I love him so much but I also recognize that it wouldn’t be fair to either of us and I would only become more needy and clingy and I don’t want either of us to resent each other. That happened on Friday and it is now Sunday. I have been crying every day since then because I have been so scared that things might have to end and processing that and all that has happened. I eventually came to the conclusion that I need to have a more in depth conversation about what exactly he wants and needs so that I can see if that is manageable for me where I am at in life right now. It really could just be that he is not at a place in his life right now that he can balance a romantic relationship with everything else that is going on in his life. I am a recovering people pleaser and it is really difficult for me to not see myself as selfish when I think about my needs as well but I know I do have them and one of them is that in any relationship there is a certain amount of attention you should be receiving and giving to your partner. Anyway so I reached out to him yesterday (after not talking at all since the day before and with that not much at all) and said “Hey I hope you’re doing well. I was wondering if you’d be back in time tomorrow to meet me at a coffee shop or something like that so we can talk about us? I want to make sure we’re on the same page about things (heart emoji).” We then made the plans and he said see you then and I responded with I’m looking forward to it with another heart emoji so that he didn’t get anxious about the conversation (we are very similar in that way). So that is this morning and I am nervous and emotional about it. I know it might end up as a breakup and I am ok-ish with the possibility of that. I love him so much (really haven’t felt this way in any other relationship and he has helped me through so much and we have really made quite an amazing bond with each other) but I know that I may not be helpful to have in his life as a girlfriend right now and as much as that hurts like a kick to the ovaries, I want what is best for him and if that means I can’t be in his life anymore for him to be happy, I would do it in a heartbeat. Who knows, maybe it’s just right person wrong time. Only time will tell, but for now I want to help in any way I can. Lordy I don’t know if this is everything I want to say or not but my brain is all noodles now so I think this will be it. Again never done something like this before so please be kind and I would love to answer any questions you may have. I guess my question is, should I break up with him? Anything I should make sure to say? Any tips? Anything I may be missing? Words of advice or just reassurances? Below are some questions that I thought of asking him tomorrow.
Questions to ask him:
- What exactly does he mean by us “slowing down?”
- Does he mean like essentially starting the relationship from scratch?
- How often is he wanting to hang out?
- Does he want us to stop saying “I love you”
- Is he trying to slowly break up?
- Is he wanting to take a break for a set period of time and then after that time come back and reevaluate the relationship to see if we want to come back together?
- Does he mean like essentially starting the relationship from scratch?
- Are there specific things I can do that he can think of that would improve the relationship?
- What did he mean when he said he wants to have “fun” dates? (Were our dates not fun before? Or does he mean something less “intimate” and more public)