Oh boy
So I (23M (ftm transgender)) decided to take a solo trip to the west coast to a city that I’ve always wanted to visit, and have had many subliminal signs from the universe that this city would be important to me (my niche dream job is located there, favorite childhood book takes place there, it’s in my absolute favorite biome, many people have joked that I belong there, etc)
Anyways on my 4th day there I connect with someone (27F (mtf transgender)) via a dating app, although we were both interested in a casual hookup, I suggested that we get a drink first to see if we were compatible (we were). We chatted for way longer than expected, and proceeded to go back to her place, the following events were incredible, we were both wowed with our compatibility and chemistry. She suggests that I should come back the following night for round 2, of course I say yes. The second night we’re together we again, have fantastic time and end up cuddling for a while and talking, again, we are compatible in the way where under normal circumstances I’d absolutely be her friend. She suggests that I come back again the next evening for round 3, how am I to resist. She told me that night that she has never had ‘follow ups’ with casual hookups and that it had been six months since the last time she was intimate with someone, let alone been on a date.
The third night is again, incredible, we agreed that this was the best ~encounter~ that we’ve had, compared to other partners.
Unfortunately I had to leave the next day, my solo trip involved another stop in a different city and I could not stay. Saying goodbye was really difficult for both of us, we both agreed that we had very complex emotions about saying goodbye, but I promised her multiple times that I would come back to the city (I genuinely want to spend time out there again, not just for her company)
We exchanged messages later that night expressing how much we liked eachother (personality traits, conversational compatibility) and that in diffrent ways our encounters were very healing. 11 months prior I had went through a devastating breakup that absolutely shattered my ability to be connected to another person, and due to the nature of the breakup (my ex cheated on me and was very dishonest with me) my self esteem was very low despite spending months working on myself. But the level of care and genuine attraction and desire towards me was something that I had never felt before, even in my long term relationship. She felt similarly, that I was a “breath of fresh air” and a “very special person” and that I treated her with respect in a way that she wasn’t used to.
Before I left we talked about different ways our paths could cross again (we both want to hike the pacific crest trail, and jokingly agreed that we’d have to hike it together)
A few days later I’m in the different city with a heavy heart and a pit in my stomach. I can’t stop thinking about her and how much I want to see her again, and how sad I would be if we never saw eachother again. We’re still texting, I’m trying very hard not to dwell on the circumstances and subtly trying to distance myself for self preservation, we agreed that life is complicated and that we wouldn’t hold ourselves to any commitments other than to stay in touch. But I’m slightly heartbroken because I wish I had more time with her. I absolutely should not be in a relationship right now (I need to focus on my career and my mental health, healing etc), let alone one that is incredibly long distance.
I guess what I’m trying to mull over is wether or not I should accept that this was a beautiful, fleeting and healing connection or if I should make an adventurous choice to come back soon and see where things go from there. I’m at the point in my life where I have some flexibility with spontaneity and I desire adventure, but I am terrified of letting my heart guide me because in the past it has led me far away from my sense of self and my ambitions (which feel like my greatest purpose in life). I am also equally conflicted because my parents met in a nearly identical fashion, and they are still together 27 years later, (this isn’t to say that I want that type of commitment, it’s moreso proof that crazy spontaneous connections can work out)
How do I move on or move forward from this?
Genuinely any advice is helpful, part of me wants some cold hard rejection so that I can continue to heal and work on myself but my heart feels quite haunted at the moment..