I hate my stupid apathetic self (SA TW SH TW)
Yes I know I posted this on different subs already, chill
I can't stand my friend always asking if she looks fat or if she's ugly, most of her reposts and sometimes her posts are so depressing it's annoying and I can't feel a single ounce of empathy but irritation, I can't vent to them because it feels like they don't even care so that's why I stopped caring about their problems even though I pretend like I do.
I try to vent to this one girl about how I'm ugly and no guys would ever like be and I'd rather be used and abused if that meant it was something and then she talks about how she got manipulated into making out with a girl and how guys would say inappropriate things to her and how a teacher in preschool (or elementary, can't remember) tried to get close with her parents so he could do..bad things (which thank God that teacher got arrested before she got harmed) and...I get jealous.
I hate that I do but I hate that I don't get used and preyed on or have inappropriate comments said about me and I hate that I think like that but being called ugly fucked up my mental health so bad I get jealous at others who get at least a small amount of attention bad or good because I'll think "why are you complaining at least you were attractive enough to have these things happen to you so stop acting like your life sucks" and I just hate these thoughts but it caused me to feel less empathy for their problems and sometimes I find them irritating and an inconvenience.
And it doesn't help that today I called out my friend..sort of for basically calling me ugly, let me explain, I was in my 2-3 period (it's a double block) and we were talking about this guy we don't like and then she starts mentioning how he broke up with a baddie to be with a (her words) "pick me, flat chested and no butt and basically a wall" MIND YOU IM SMALL CHESTED TOO AND SHE KNOWS THIS (she is she but sometimes the ego gets to her head lmao) and I said "oh, so you're calling me ugly is what your saying?" And I explained why that would be calling me ugly because I had the exact same bodily features that girl she insulted did it was clear she wasn't expecting to be called out on.
And then after Spanish these kids, they're really...off and on with their actions, they can be chill but then just rude idk?! I was try to grab my phone out of my backpack and then both of them walk out and tell me "oh (blank name) says he would tap that" or "he wants to hit, he was looking at your butt" I know that's a lie because he's a sweet guy and he's...not attractive.(Not saying I'm any better) But that's a joke people do when they find you unattractive they'll say lies that someone likes you to embarrass you. great...
And at the same time I get uncomfortable at the thought of anyone possibly liking me (that's impossible bc of how chopped I am). Because of how guys treated me in the past (even now) and I just wouldn't want to be around them and hang out with them and all that lovey dovey crap. And when I say an insecurity about myself to my friends, I expect them to deny it and compliment me, nope I either get a "same bro" or a chuckle out of them, because they also deal with the same issue or they just don't gaf...I love how you think it's sooo funny. Moral of the story I'm a selfish chud butt ugly freshman and I have no empathy for my friends