This is a throwaway because I’m embarrassed and have friends on my main. I 23(F) met a guy on a video game a 5 years ago. We didn’t talk all that much the past 4 years but we had running jokes. He 27(M) is a Muslim who lives a few states away, he was always respectful, wouldn’t really speak outside of just playing(we often wouldn’t even use game chat). As of last year we ended up chatting and hanging out more frequently even doing things I’m not proud of. At some point he explained to me he wasn’t ready for marriage or a serious relationship. He had trauma from his childhood and is actively in therapy to recover from a sex addiction. He said he couldn’t form proper attachment to women and that he didn’t see a future with me at all. We cried a lot and decided it was best to distance ourselves from each other.
We are still friendly and sometimes I see him talking/playing with other girls and it ruins my night completely. I realized it was a problem when I broke my fast with a date & some water and immediately got on to play some games(Sighh I’m working on it) saw him playing with a girl and I literally couldn’t eat. I explained this to him and he said “ i get it you can remove me entirely to make it easier for yourself.” So I took him off of all the games we play(still couldn’t block his discord not a strong enough soldier yet).
I started getting off of my pc, I threw myself into making female Muslim friends, I dropped majority of my non Muslim friends. Started regularly attending events at my local Muslim community center(I may be hosting a cooking class I’m so excited inshallah.) Workout classes are my best friends and I started volunteering! I go to the masjid now just because it feels safe. I struggled with my prayers before I make them all on time now, at work I make istighfar thousands of times when I can. I make dua, wake up for tahajjud semi regularly now. I say this to say that my heartbreak led me back to Allah in a way I never imagined in my life subhanallah. I’m greatful and nothing I’ve done was my doing that was Allah calling me back to him and I know that. I’m grateful for the rejection as Allah knows if I would’ve made such changes over wise. If had repeat it I would hope the outcome is the same if it means I’m where I am at spiritually now. I just want to emphasize I’m not upset at Allah or his plans for me in any way.
I am just struggling badly still. I feel very um worthless I guess? I also don’t understand why I’m so impacted. I feel so pathetic, so much suffering in the world and I’m struggling to get out of bed over someone I never even met in person. I try to not be super open with people about my trails or how I’m feeling so perhaps I felt lonely, and talking with him filled that void? I also am afraid of being replaced or not being good enough. I honestly don’t know I just feel very numb like I’m going through the motions of life trying to do as much good as I can. I feel weirdly empty. I have no desire to stop my acts of worship, praying is the one time I feel any sort of peace or calm. I never wish to loose that. I’m incredibly drained by my feelings towards him and the situation and I’m so unhappy in general that sometimes my thoughts become dark. I’d never act on them, but they scare me. I honestly just wanted reassurance that I’m doing the right thing. That I’ll get through it I guess? I just hate that i can barely last a day without crying over him to Allah and this happened in December. I’ll wrap up with I do see some light at the end of the tunnel, I made a random small dumb dua during prayer, Allah answered it instantly while I was praying. It felt impossible you know? Like woah “it’s gone” maybe it’s my sign that he was listening to me this whole time.
Sorry for the long post I just needed to get it out thank you for listening to me in advance.
Quick edit, I’ve been getting quite a few DMs and couple of comments about what game. We met pc overwatch 5 years ago. Things went down hill last year when we started duoing rivals and valorant!