We've been on and off for almost a year.
The cycle hasn't changed. I knew his pattern, but I kept expecting something different. I feel insane, I feel like I've lost a screw - why can't I let go of the man that has given me less than the bare minimum?
He gave me nothing in return, he never considered me, he never consistently communicated - he gave me nothing, but he gave me just enough attention, enough orgasms, enough words, enough possibility to get attached anyway.
And I chased that potential ... HARD. HARD.
I just want to kick, scream, and cry. I want to scream at him and tell him how much he's broken me and depleted me, but I have to thank him - because he's shown me how little I think of myself, how little I respect myself.
With him, I truly accepted the love I thought I deserved. And what I know now is that I don't think I deserve love.
I've been spending a lot of time by myself - thinking, healing, piecing everything together, understanding my life, my experiences. I am such a tortured soul, and I hope this year I can release all the anger and self-loathing I have for myself. I want it gone, I want to be happy - I want to be loved.
I hope to never meet this man ever again in this lifetime, but I have to tell him thank you for treating me the way he did, so that I know how much more I need to take care of myself. I will use what happened to come back to myself.
Today I'm restarting no contact again (sigh!), but this time it's final - there is no going back.
I am so deeply hurt, I hope to never feel like this again.