Previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/s/MBqUdjQkSc
I posted a few days ago wondering whether I should allow my 8-year-old to quit baseball, even though he’d signed up for it himself and my wife and I want to teach him to persevere and stick to his commitments. He does not seem very interested in baseball and hates being “the worst player on the team” (his words).
Many of you said that finding out the reason he wanted to play baseball is important to the situation. Some people also said that it’s important to find out which part of it he hates: does he hate the sport itself, or just hate that he’s less skilled than his teammates?
I sat down with him yesterday and asked him whether he truly hates being on the baseball team. He said yes. I asked him what part of it he hates, and he said he finds it embarrassing to go out there at every practice and game and be the worst player. He also said that while the actual games can be fun, he really hates practice. He finds it boring and repetitive, and doesn’t like that it gives him less time to play with his friends. He confirmed something else I had thought: that he has no friends on the team and is tired of being around his teammates all the time.
To his first point, I reminded him that the only way to get better was to practice more. I offered once again to practice with him after school and help him improve his skills. He sighed and said “ok, I guess.” When I pointed out that he didn’t seem very enthusiastic, he said that he wants to be good at baseball, but really doesn’t like actually practicing baseball. In his own words: he wants it enough to be upset that he doesn’t have it, but not enough to work for it.
I asked him, if he doesn’t like baseball, then why does he want so badly to be good at it? He told me something that I wasn’t expecting: that he doesn’t like sports (I knew this already), but doesn’t want to be “one of those boys that isn’t sporty.” He said that the “sporty” kids are the ones who are popular, who are surrounded by friends, and who are respected the most at school by other kids and even teachers. He told me that he’s heard some popular kids refer to him and his friends as “unathletic” and laugh. This bothered my son badly, because he told me that everybody thinks boys who aren’t good at sports are lame and he didn’t want to be a loser anymore.
I hugged him, and he told me that as much as he hates baseball and had been begging to quit, he wasn’t sure that he would actually quit if given the option, and that if he did he’d have to find another sport to try. My heart broke for him, mainly because I had no idea how to help him; I always was one of the “sporty” boys, but I’ve always made it clear that I love him and am proud of him no matter who he is. He isn’t even really unathletic; he’s an active kid and he and his friends are always running around, shooting hoops, or playing some version of kickball. He told me that he likes to do these things on his own terms, and not have to compete or be surrounded by sporty kids excluding him and telling him he isn’t good enough.
So now we have a different problem. My son has agreed to stick it out for one more month of baseball, and even do some extra practice, but now I know he’s doing it for all the wrong reasons. He is forcing himself to do something he hates so that other kids will think differently about him. I try to tell him that I think he’s cool, and point out all of his other talents that I admire, but he insists that none of that matters to the kids at school; you’re either an athlete, or you’re lame. Has anybody else ever been here? How can I build his confidence and teach him to love himself? Or if athletic success is what he thinks he really needs, should I help him with that?