We meet 18 years ago and have been together since. She was 19 I was27 and I was just out the Marines. Early in our relationship everything was good. We texted each other mostly cause I’m not big of a talker. It was ok cause she could carry the conversation, she could talk to anyone. Always flirting and making out. I screwed up and had an emotional attachment or emotionally cheated on her. Never went past that. We made up and things seemed fine. I have made horrible mistakes in saying things that were mean, holding grudges without speaking to her, to saying shit to friends that got back to her. We have been able to work through that.
The last couple of years she has been trying to tell me that I need to seek mental health. I let my ego get a hold and dismissed it. I didnt wsnt to believe that I had an issue. A few years later more talks, no change. Then the last warning, I half assed a call to make an appointment they never called back so I let it go. Then at work I was on lunch thinking about all this and realized she has been right, I’ve been wrong. And all the hurt, doubt, self loathing she has gone through, plus me not manning up and having her carry the house hold. The worst is I made her feel like she was unappreciated, unwanted, not sexy, and that I didn’t want her, which is the opposite. I can’t explain why I have been in a funk or in a mood that has made me this way. I want to change, but she he me with I want to separate and said we are single.
We live together still, 36f and 45m, just separated 2 weeks ago. I want to prove to her that now that I see what I’ve been doing and not doing, I mean to change. Do therapy, get more involved. But she won’t hear me. 18 years, a house we built, and 4 kids. I don’t want to lose her or the life we built. I want to grow old with her and watch our grandkids. I should have been her rock, instead she was my crutch barely holding on. Now she’s working on her mentally with a therapist and physically and I’m still awe stuck that she’s seemed to have move on. She says that at the moment and near future we are done, but can’t speak to the future. I know we are going to be living together for a while cause of costs, plus she said she wanted to help get our bills together taken cared of.
I just don’t know how I’m suppose to go from husband to friend, with my feelings. And it’s like she doesn’t have any anymore. I e had to get medicated cause I couldn’t accept the fact she wouldn’t give me another chance now that I have recognized what I have been doing these past few years.
Any advice? Thanks