u/ImportanceThese5535

I had a setback.

I wish I could come on here, writing about how I am perfect, but I am not

I don't always handle things the way I intended to. It changed my whole thinking and the approach I take.

From the beginning of this 30 day journey, I remember my post being about “I give you my word, I will not break it for these 30 days.”

I thought I could power my way through this, and I kinda did. I mean I never, in the last years, got so far without slipping. My entire thinking was that the fear of public humility might keep me on track. It didn’t. It only increased pressure to the point where my mind just wanted to escape from the very thing I started to stop escaping.

Yes, I can drown myself in shame like I always used to, but I don’t think it’s going to help me.

I just remembered something:

“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.”

I never responded differently after a setback. I regret it, sure, and I intend to not fall into it again, but why do I have to drown myself in shame after I already made the commitment to move away from it?

I don’t.

I realised, pressure does not work, and I find myself escaping that pressure, which leads me back to old patterns. I want to change my approach.

For me, I already know the root of this is escapism, running away from reality.

From now on, I will run a protocol whenever I feel that urge to escape:

1. Realise it’s escapism

2. Breathe and stay still

3. Either stay still or take the smallest step toward action, nothing else

That protocol helps, but I also need to build the ability to endure discomfort.

I will be lonely. I will have urges. Life will feel heavy sometimes, and my protocol is no magic solution. Internal strength, the ability to endure uncomfortable situations without immediately escaping, is what I need to train. By not escaping. It’s repetition.

Also, I found someone who has a structured approach to this. His name is Mark Queppet. I will follow his program step by step, day by day, and apply what’s useful to what’s already working for me.

I won’t stop my 30 day challenge. Yes, this was a setback, but also valuable data. I know what to tweak and what to work on now to become the version of myself that does not return to old patterns.

Tomorrow, I’ll start with the next step. I will endure the discomfort and report back.

I might slip, but I will never lose hope in God’s mercy.

Blessup people

Today is Friday, I promised to give you guys a deeper look.

Let me start by saying, this day was extremely difficult. So difficult, I was about to just give up... my mind went there for a second:

"Why could I even care less if I don't post today, why do I owe anyone a explanation" But my mind stopped, when I thought about what I will feel like, if I relapsed. The shame, the clarity after the storm. I thought:

"I genuinely do not know, how deeply ashamed I would be of myself if I lie to God and myself here. The overwhelm of thinking about who I will become, if I continue to stay in the way of degeneracy is too much"

Yes I know, the thinking of "Pass or fail just builds more pressure. On the other hand, if there is one thing I am scared of, it is to break my word. It's like an extra lock to really keep me in check this time. Not that I have never promised myself or God that I'd stop, I did, but I never went so far to tell other people about it, like on this reddit.

Now let me give you some background about me, because any time I read a post about "I made it till day 12" instantly makes me think: "Nah I am not that type of person, I can barely make it 2 days".

Truth is, it's not about the amount of days, the pressure to relapse does not build up over time, you do not have 10x the pressure to relapse after 10 days of abstinence.
I always thought, if I go without pornography for 12 days, I will explode. Not literally, but it would feel like I am, I would have urges constantly. In reality, after the first few days, your body just accepts it and each day starts from 0, no buildup of "not watching porn" from the past days, it's a fugazi. Don't get me wrong, the urges will not be hell, they will be there but it is way easier to say 'no' than before.

Was today harder than the other days? Yes! But not because I am on day 12, but because in the last few days, I replaced the escapist distraction of pornography with scrolling on Social Media, which leads me to the next point...

I realised, the core reason why I watch porn, is because I am running away from something, whether it be from a task or a emotionally challenging situation.

On the path of quitting, which I have been on for about 7-8 years now, I have never (except recently) understood the "why" of watching porn. Why do we do it? Why is it so appealing? Is it because we are naturally prone to sex? Not really, sex is nothing like pornography.
It's more like a quick escape from reality, a high you can only reach artificially, which is so well developed in such a massive industry, that EVERY though or wish you have can be watched within minutes of searching. Is it because we love to have these thoughts to be real? Not quite, more like because it's the perfect escape from reality. Literally, all of your fantasies can be watched within seconds.

It's nothing else than a escapist distraction. Now the question is, how and what do I do, to overcome this? Because once I know how to get rid of escapist distractions, urges will be much more manageable, not draining time and energy.

How? Honestly, I am not sure. Listen, if you made it till here, please know, I am in the same boat as you are. I am not a professional, not completely clean yet, still have work to do, I am just sharing my experience. What I tried are two things:

1. Chunking everything. If feel like not doing something, I simply don't do it. You don't wanna go to work? Don't, slightly move your feet to the edge of your bed. Focus fully on moving your feet to the edge of your bed, only focus on your feet, and the edge of your bed. Once your feet are there, move your fingers to the corner of your blanket, repeat the same thinking and do it until you're sitting in your car on your way to work.
   It helps me to overcome the thought of "ohh this is way too hard to do" by ONLY focusing on the next smallest actionable step that takes me to where I want to be.

2. Changing my mindset. First of all, whenever I feel like I need to escape, I label it, it is just my brain trying to protect me, not a real threat. Then, I go to the absolute worst possible situation and ask myself 'am I going to die'? If the answer is no, there is literally no reason to panic or be scared. Yes, sometimes we are just lazy and tired, my solution for that is to just do nothing then. If I am really THAT tired and nothing helps and I am about to do anything besides what I am supposed to do, I just do nothing. Actually quite relaxing, and it gets boring quickly. If there is no other option besides doing nothing or the right thing, at some point, you will go do the right thing. What's the easiest thing in the world? Doing nothing, not moving a muscle.

Oh yeah and of course, block out all options of escapist distractions. Put your phone in another room, delete Instagram or at least log out of your account on Weekdays. On the other hand, I feel like I also need to learn how to actually not need escapist distractions. No idea how, but I will find it out. Once I made it there, I can have all the apps on my phone because I will simply not be the type of person to escape reality.

All that needs time, simplicity and routine so it's a progress.

Also, never forget, escapist distraction is just a way to regulate your emotions. It would make life a lot easier, if you rest intentionally and start small and simple. If you rest intentionally, there will be less of a need for escapist distraction

That said, I will report back tomorrow, I hope my experience helped someone.

Have a blessed day.

Wassup friends.

Yes I made it till day 11, as promised, a longer, more insightful post will follow tomorrow.

Today I will leave it shorter.

Day was long, urges are getting stronger, no more social media. Social media really is showing suggestive content for no reason, I don't want to run that risk so I will stay away from it.

I go day by day, the day is almost over, it's really hard but I am not going to negotiate my brain, no way on earth will I even get close to relapsing.

Anyway, see you lot tomorrow.

Best