I've wanted to make this post for some time, but I've never known how to exactly put it or communicate it in a way that doesn't lean too biased. TL;DR: A year ago, I was in a hard place, and I relied a lot on my friends to give me comfort without noticing how I was suffocating them. One friend pulled away, and because I cracked her egg and we saw each other as family, it really hurt, and she activated some trauma I've held since childhood. Fast forward, we finally get to talking, and she shares her feelings that she was too afraid to communicate to me about everything, and when I voice the fear I felt in her not wanting to include me with these new trans women she had found as friends, she told me I needed to find my own friends, as these were her friends, girls who (I was not on hormones at the time, despite being actively trans since 2010) were "transitioning like her."
I understand what she was trying to communicate, particularly at a moment when she was trying to find her own spaces, friends, and find value and acceptance after two years on HRT - but it still crushed me to hear the idea that I may not have been "trans enough" to be included or allowed into her space, after I'd introduced her and included her in so many social spaces I held. Inevitably, the relationship bombed over the next year, and I fawned hard to try and fit in as proof that I was trans enough "like her and her friends."
Am I the asshole for still holding on, being angry and hurt, and struggling with this a year later? Is it wrong for me to struggle with...feeling included or enough? I see her end of it, but I also...just have so much trouble these days feeling like I'm a woman/trans enough/etc as I meet other, new groups and friends