emotionally detached
i’m really hesitant to show my thoughts and feelings for my parents, cuz even though my parents supported me materialistically, financially, and gave me a lot of opportunities, and they’re actually rly good people, they lack supporting me (us) emotionally, that’s why I felt safer to keep distance
I grew up in a household where emotions are less talk about, as simple as “sorry” can’t even be heard. I’ve always had my emotions in check, that’s why my friends even said i’m nonchalant when it comes to expressing them and even when i’m with them i feel insignificant bc of this. I try to break that, but every time i share my problems i’d get blamed and scolded rather than being comforted. They say i’m always good in school, always staying up for a project, a test, competition but when it comes to them it’s like i don’t even care, whenever i’m at home it’s like i only care about myself. In school, I get recognized and consoled but whenever i’m back home and i did something for them i get nothing.
I get jealous of those who can openly share something with their parents, even with their siblings cuz even though i’m close with my siblings, we don’t rarely discuss each other’s problems.
whenever one of my parents points out a problem with me, the other one would then just join them invalidating me, blaming me, insulting me and even if they did care cuz even I can feel it, they don’t put it in nice words, it’s more like criticizing. Though I try to understand that’s how they show that they care, i just can’t help but wish they’d be more accepting and comforting.
I also think this affected how I became as a person. I actually grew up fearing to disappoint them, i didn’t do anything that would make them feel disappointed in me, i’d go straight home after school, did well in school, didn’t smoke and drink, some even said i was their dream child cuz how well-behaved i was and i always followed my parents. But now, i’ve started to lose interest but still i don’t do anything that would disappoint them, i just started losing interest leaving up to their expectations and pleasing them, i’m also tired like i don’t even know what i want anymore, it’s like i don’t even know who i am, like there’s two versions of myself, one whose diligent, hard working, and understanding, and the other whose irritable, lazy, and careless. I can be anyone, but just can’t be myself; i’m lost.
any advice?