(Disclaimer: serious/heavy topics ahead)
My (19M) relationship (2yrs) with my girlfriend (20F) is currently strained.
For context, we've been together since the first day of college, she is my best friend through and through and a near complete mirror image of me. Due to ridiculous and unfortunate familial circumstances, she is currently dependent on me and my family for her living situation. She's developed a neurological disorder (FND) after a concussion, and I've been her caretaker since. Her FND consists of episodes with varying symptoms, usually triggered by underlying external stress, and her symptoms change over time. We are both victims, and are also neurodivergent (AuDHD vs Autism).
Now, for the actual issue:
I've been growing increasingly afraid around her over my inability to express myself sexually and romantically with her without causing an episode. After her concussion it took a lot of time to diagnose her, and that time was perhaps the scariest experience of my life; My largest current source of fear is hurting her or making her uncomfortable, especially if it's to such a degree that she's triggered. The only issue is I have a very high libido; and I place a large emotional and mental emphasis over physical connection in general. I excercise, work out, I'm young, fit, and yet very rarely do I feel good about any of it.
Up until a few months ago she was actually matching my energy, but since then she simply hasn't had much sexual energy outside of very specific circumstances and occasions. I've tried initiating in the ways she wants but the majority of attempts end in me doing something wrong or her suddenly losing interest, sometimes triggering her. She has tried being in the same room as I take care of my needs, but unless she's at least next to me, I feel unfulfilled, and more often than not, she also experiences a trigger. Pornography has caused me immense damage in the past, and I hate most forms of it. Meditation works only as a stopgap.
I've grown to despise my body over this, and I'm terrified of putting her in distress, knowing she simply can't control her disability, all the while I am screaming internally for a release. Last night I had a massive panic attack over this in front of her and she hasn't addressed it because she doesn't know what to do. Since then I've really lost romantic interest for the time being, and can't truly stop shaking. More worrying however is that I'm catching myself pitching the idea of being with someone else, in any capacity really, because a small part of myself desperately wants to get away.
Generally speaking I don't plan on leaving her, and I do love her with all my heart, and none of this is her fault at all, but I'm losing hope for any constant of emotional or physical satisfaction in my life despite my entire being yearning for it every day, and it all scares me to my core.
**TL;DR;** : I'm having immense guilt and anxiety over my high libido triggering my girlfriend's neurological disability, our compromises haven't worked, and I am growing increasingly afraid and estranged from our relationship