u/Ill_Bend_1119 — reddlx

I have never loved anyone in my life. Neither my parents nor anyone. There was some sort of affection and admiration. But I recently figured it was never love. It’s more like I am unable to love. I do not say I am some kind of nonchalant sigma or something. I just cannot. What does it mean to love? Does love have to be conditional? Does it have to be reciprocated? Does it only have to be romantic?
I grew up in a weird environment. The love I received from my so-called family was always heavily conditional. To get love and acceptance from your parents, you have to have good grades, a successful job, and so on. I am not saying this is universal. But for me this is what seems to be the norm. As for romantic love, there are so many complications. Trust issues, attachment issues, jealousy, etc. I have seen my cousin and friends being in relationships; they are very insecure. Sharing social media accounts, checking on them every now and then, and getting upset if their partner is spending time with friends or family. It seems weird.

Recently, I developed feelings for my friend. And I was rejected for some complications. Anyway, at first I was very upset. Couldn’t accept the fact that I was rejected. After a few days I felt very weird. I liked someone, and they somehow don’t feel the same way. Why do I have to feel bad for it? Can’t we just like someone? Accept them as who they are? And wish the best for them? Why do I have to cut off or stop talking to them? Why do I have to think maybe they are some bad person and they are not for me, bla bla? Having feelings for someone seems really beautiful to me. Some may say I liked that person for their appearance, personality, or whatever. But actually all people have those qualities to some extent. It is never about looks or personality. We just like the person. We just like them. It’s more about us than them. But that's just liking. Not actually love, right?

I have seen people being in a relationship and breaking up after a while when the spark just disappears. It feels weird to me. I think the thing about love is being willing to stay, accepting them for who they are, and accepting the oddness without any expectations while keeping your dignity alive. We shouldn’t lose ourselves while loving someone. That kind of love seems sacred to me. I want to love someone like that. I don’t care whether it is reciprocated or not. Let it just be what it is. Love without a transaction attached. Is it that hard?

THANKS FOR READING. SORRY FOR THE RANT. TT