u/IllDragonfruit5866

I just really need someone to talk to right now

I know I’ve been struggling with mental health, but wow I was REALLY fucked last night in my journal

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I fucked up, as always, again. I came home, Friday, and fucking forgot about my fuckass engineering teacher’s request that he fuckass mumbled at us on Friday. I’ll turn it in late, but it just fucking pisses me off that I can’t retain anything. I let myself, and everyfuckingone else around me, down. I always fucking do that why the FUCK do I do that. —— actually understands me, but you know what everyone else thinks? They think I like her. That I’m still not FUCKING SERIOUS. ——- knows something is off, I know he does. I just don’t have the courage to leak to him. I don’t even know how I was able to leak to —— in the first place. I hate when people don’t understand. I hate that I can’t tell them. I fucking hate myself. For everything I’ve done. I’m a failure. Everything I’ve done has come out exactly the opposite of how I wanted it. I’m a drag on others. I hate myself, just like everyone else. 

I do worry that ——- might be telling the truth about ——, however. That she doesn’t actually understand me, and just thinks I’m trying to get to her. That I’m just gonna get stabbed in the back AGAIN. If that happens, I’m not gonna be ashamed like last time, I won’t be pushed down. I’M FUCKING INDEPENDENT. IF SOMEBODY THINKS THEY CAN STAB ME IN THE BACK I’LL FUCKING TEAR THEIR CHEEKS OFF. I’LL GOUGE OUT THEIR FUCKING EYES. I WON’T LET SOME MOTHERFUCKER DICTATE MYSELF. IF THEY TRY, THEY CAN TAKE A FUCKING HINT AND GO KILL THEMSELVES. PROVE THEY HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS TO DO WHAT I CAN’T. I GET THE URGE TO CUT MYSELF ALL THE TIME, BUT DO I DO IT? NO.

Because I’m a fucking coward.

I deserve to fucking die, but as if proving my point, I CAN’T. My shame ridicules myself. It manifests itself in everything I do. Every failure, every success. I don’t even realize that I AM the manifestation of shame. And after each time my cowardice talks myself done from doing something, it always comes back to remind me how much of a fucking disappointment my fucking life is. I was wrong. It isn’t a voice. It’s not even a temptation. It’s me. I am a contradiction. Every single factor showed success. So why the fuck did I go wrong? Why am I wrong? WHY DID I FUCKING HAVE TO FUCKING BE WRONG. 

I’ve given a name to this state, “Reflection”. It’s like a mirror, when I finally see myself for who I truly am. A failed entity. An unredeemable degenerate. A cowardly disappointment.

A contradiction

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I need to talk to someone else, keeping this in isn’t safe anymore. I’ll keep trying to drop hints, I’m too much of a fucking coward to come out directly. I’m fucking losing it.

I’m an ex-Christian atheist (pls don’t ask why), and have been for about 3 years, so I‘m familiar with Christian processes, preaching, scripture, all that stuff. I am just wondering what your opinion is on people like me. Atheists and exchristians I mean. Love? Pity? Disappointment?

Please be respectful, don’t try to convert me back, I just want to hear your personal thoughts.

And yes, I know according to you I’m going to hell. I’m more or less prepared and understand that possibility.